


Compensation

by stupidsexyarizona



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/F, Femslash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-24
Updated: 2014-12-24
Packaged: 2018-03-03 05:14:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 39,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2839349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stupidsexyarizona/pseuds/stupidsexyarizona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post-7x12&13. Arizona didn't stay for a second chance. And Lexie left Mark. They found compensation, even if it was momentary. Or was it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

If you'd like to read it in chronological order, the chapters are as follows:

4, 5, 2, 7, 9, 1, 10, 12, 11, 13, 6, 8, 3, 14, 16, 15, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21

She pushed me back against the sleek, hard wood below me and I could feel her lips brush against mine teasingly before pushing down forcefully and gripping me harder against the table.

I had to moan when she touched me the way she did, which caused my mouth to open, giving her a chance to slip her warm tongue in my mouth to meet that of my own.

I couldn't help but give her what she wanted, though it was bad, I know. She had no where else to go and that gave her more cause to want all of me for what I was and what I wasn't.

Something I'd never be.

I did the same thing, though. I groaned and tangled my own fingers tightly around the blonde curls that fell over my shoulders, like a curtain shielding me, keeping me locked in a world that was just her.

And no one else.

"Arizona.." I whispered, having the chance to breathe.  
"Shut up," she told me roughly.

She was always angry when she did this. The first time, we were both drunk and she was sweet and tender and a little sad. Now that she's sober, her sadness turns into anger.

I'm really not what she wants, I thought, as I felt her pop open the button to my jeans.

"This isn't.." I whispered, feeling her fingertips graze just above the spot I wanted her to touch.

"What?" she asked, not stopping, but slowly dragging her fingertips up and down that same spot.

"You don't want it?" she asked me again, and she looked into my eyes and I could almost feel the blue of her eyes piercing through my body, heating it up. They were so dark, yet so brilliant blue and I couldn't help but think how I wanted those blue eyes to stare at me for a long time.

"I do, I do," I quickly told her.

She smiled and slipped her hand into my panties and I could feel her then, teasing me slowly. I wanted her inside of me, so badly that I couldn't think.

But I had to think.

"This isn't a good place, someone might-" I tried to explain, but I felt her slip two fingers into me and my words stammered off to a high pitched moan.

"Then I'll make it quick," she told me, pumping slowly, but firmly. Soft, slow thrusts, her fingers seemed to know the right places, as if the other times were just some kind of prep session where she got to know the real places inside of me that triggered the highest moans.

"Ari-" I gasped, and she covered my lips with her own, slipping her tongue into my mouth again.

I could feel my heart racing against her covered chest that pressed against my own. I could feel my walls clenching her fingers as I approached my climax. It was so quick, she always had me come so quickly.

Her hips started to thrust with her fingers, putting more power into it and I could feel the table beneath me shaking with each thrust. Oh god, she was going to make me come again and the table was going to break because of it.

Her lips finally released my own and she looked down at me inquiringly, while I stared up with half-closed eyes, wanting to remember the blues that stared down at me. I wouldn't forget, not for a second. I never forgot anything, and those sensuous blue eyes did something to me that nothing ever had.

I felt myself coming around her fingers and finally shut my eyes, breathing erratically until finally, everything stilled. She let her weight down on me and that blonde hair was now all over my face, right under my nostrils and I could smell the sweat mixed with that shampoo I couldn't quite name.

She slipped her hand out of my jeans and slipped those same fingers that were just inside of me into my mouth. I licked them, an erotic gesture I'd never done before and shivered as she watched me with those strikingly beautiful eyes.

She smiled down at me, and buttoned my jeans back into place.

"I have to go," she told me, brushing the hair out of my eyes and lifting me slightly.

"Where are you going?"

"Back to the hotel.. or something," she said, murmuring uncertainly.

"Stay here," I told her.

"I can't."

"Arizona-"

"No, this isn't your house, anyway.."

"I'll ask Meredith," I told her again, I didn't want her to leave yet.

"Lexie," she said, and I felt that domineering air again. She called me Grey, almost always. When she said Lexie, though, I could feel my heart melting.

"Okay.."

"I'll see you at work," she told me, as I walked her to the door.

I watched her leave and couldn't help but feel my heart sink.

I wasn't Callie, she wasn't Mark - that's what we agreed on that night in the bar when our worlds fell apart.

It had been weeks, then - but I couldn't care anymore.

She wasn't Mark.

She was Arizona. And I liked that.

But I wasn't Callie.

And I never would be.

 


	2. Chapter 2

It was just compensation for what I lost.

A momentary lapse after losing her.

I told her I bailed all the time and that this time I wouldn't, but after hearing that, I hadn't stopped to listen.

I had slipped out of the elevator doors before they shut again, my heart pounding in my ears.

I bailed again.

Because I wanted.. what I wanted.. was a life with her. Between the two of us. Our own baby. Our own.

To think she'd sleep with him again. They retreated to each other so quickly, it's infuriating. And now they're having a child together and what we had has now been rendered useless, void, nothing.

What was it about him that always had her going back?

Of course, that's something I could never understand. Because I wasn't there. I'm never there. Was I ever there?

I stared up at the bunk bed above me, laying there in idleness. Why was I still here? I don't even know. I should be in Africa. I should go back, I should-

I heard the door click open and shifted to see who it was.

"D-doctor Robbins?" she asked, timidly, slipping in and closing the door behind her.

I shouldn't have slept with her.

"What is it, Grey?" I asked.

"If you needed me, you should have paged me," I continued, not meeting her eyes. I looked back at the plain wooden boards that identified the bottom of the top bunk, reaching my hand up to graze the chipping wood.

I shouldn't have slept with her.

"That's not it," she told me, and I saw her shaking her head in the corner of my eye.

"I think we should- um, we should talk about last night.." she said, with a tone of hesitancy.

I sighed. Here it comes. _What did it mean?_

 _"Am I gay now?"_ \- Straight girls always shot me that question after a drunken night.

Dammit, I shouldn't have slept with her.

I was bad at this. I hadn't done it in such a long time.

But there was something about her, something about us. Maybe it was the way she trembled beneath me. Or the way she looked when she cradled my cheeks with her gentle hands, looking up at me with those wide, brown childlike eyes, remarking that I had looked so sad and sullen, so tired and worn. So defeated. I felt that way and I thought that maybe she saw it too.

Perhaps it was my drunken state that made me so vulnerable, so easy for her to see through.

It didn't take long to have her panting, though. To settle her inquiring guise and make her tremble for me in its stead.

I sat up and shifted my body in her direction.

"I know. I was drunk, you were drunk. We were both drunk. And sad. And we slept together. And you're not gay. I get it. It was a mistake, but it was a one-time thing. We can move past it and get over it because-"

"I liked it!" she yelled out, cutting me off.

I stopped.

It felt like my heart skipped a beat. I don't really know why. Was it because I was lonely and hurt? And this girl in front of me took it all away for a moment?

"You what?" I asked.

"It was my first time, um.. being with a woman," she continued, her eyes shifting everywhere in an attempt to completely avoid my own.

"And?"

"And what?" she asked me, finally meeting my gaze.

I couldn't help but feel angry.

Was I just everyone's test subject now?

"I don't know, Lexie. I don't want to be anyone's freaking excitement anymore, I'm done with that. I'm done with newborns. I'm done with this damn hospital.. I'm.."

"Arizona.."

"I'm not your god damn substitute for Mark!" I yelled.

Her dark eyes widened in shock. And something else. She looked hurt. I didn't know what to say. I just kept looking at her, watching her expression fall. She was so expressive. In sex too, I remember that. Incredibly expressive.

Her breathing would falter and speed up without regard to anything else but her body's reaction to my touch.

It was.. kind of..

She looked down at her feet and shifted them awkwardly.

"I.. I know that. You're not. Isn't that what.. what we agreed on? I'm not Callie, you're not Mark. We agreed on that," she told me, still staring at her feet.

"We were drunk, but we agreed on that. And I .. well, I liked it. And I don't think you're Mark, you're not Mark, you're-" she continued.

What was it that I wanted to hear?

Something snapped with those words.

I reached up quickly and snatched her hand in my own, grabbing her shoulders and throwing her on top of the bed I was previously laying on before climbing on top of her.

She seemed startled and I could hear her breath already hitching. Her wide eyes looked so innocent, so shocked (as if this were an unexpected gesture, maybe it was). It calmed me to the point of reasoning, yet made my libido rage. And something else. Her vulnerability made me so angry.

"Okay. So we were drunk. And you liked it. And I'm not Mark. What do you want? Tell me, and look at me while you're saying it," I told her, pushing her further into the bed for emphasis.

"I, uh, I.." she stuttered, keeping her gaze locked on my own.

Her eyes darkened, but they were shining - glistening, almost. It took a lot not to kiss her again. Lexie Grey's eyes were not like hers, they were her own. They didn't remind me of things I've lost, things I've walked away from. They were timid, scared, hurt.. they needed protecting, fixing. She was just as hurt as I was, but they were excited. They were full of want.

I loved the way her eyes looked, though they were so plain at times. They were expressive, just like everything about their owner.

"What do you want?" I whispered, leaning into her, almost grazing my lips against her own.

"I-I don't really know. I .. just want to feel the way I did last night," she whispered, throwing her head back as my lips grazed her neck.

I traced her pulse point with my tongue, feeling her tremble again.

She was using me to feel good. And I was using her... for what? To feel like I had some kind of power, some control over my life.

I sat up on the bed and pulled her up in a sitting position, slipping off her lab coat and throwing it somewhere near the door. I look off her scrub top, chucking it in the same direction when she started to grab against my scrub top, attempting to take it off in the same way.

Stupid girl, I thought, and I grabbed her hands and slammed her back down on the bed.

She looked startled again, her eyes reflecting her fear.

"Are you afraid?" I asked, slipping my hands behind her to stroke her smooth back and unhook her bra.

"Yo-you're being a little rough," she told me, honestly.

I laughed. She was so honest.

"I won't hurt you, Grey. Or would you rather stop?"

"N-no, don't stop," she told me, so I slipped off her bra and threw it somewhere behind me.

I didn't taste her, I just watched her expressive features as she came against my hand again and again. It was pure ecstasy written on her face, and I couldn't help but feel turned on as she grunted my name.

I let her grab at my hair, but I didn't let her touch me. If she touched me, I think I'd let some kind of self-control go. I couldn't give that to her. I already lost too much to give her anything in return besides the sex that she wanted.

That night at the bar was replaying in my head, and I thought it was okay to let it continue. I thought it was okay to touch her and give her what she wanted, just for now. I didn't have anything to lose, so why not?

After she came for the last time, I walked over to the door and picked up her scattered clothing, throwing them on top of her.

"Go check on Timmins in Room 405," I told her, pushing my hair back.

"H-huh?" she asked. She looked surprised, but quickly threw on her clothes and nodded her head furiously.

"Yes, Doctor Robbins. Um, should I-"

"I'll be there shortly," I told her.

"Okay," she said, and she didn't look at me, but simply walked past me, rushing to exit the on-call room.

I stood where I was and watched the bed as she walked past me and I continued to stare at it even as she left the room.

I felt a little empty because I knew she was right.

She wasn't Callie. That much was true.

And I wasn't Mark.

 


	3. Chapter 3

"Lexie," I heard her say.

That dominating air stood once again. The force of that word - my name, sent me soaring. In that word, there was a demand, almost a plead. I could easily walk away, like I did once I was tired of her indecisiveness, but this time I couldn't.

They were getting married.

I knew once before that Arizona hadn't wanted children. I wasn't sure if I did, I thought that maybe I could because Mark wanted them. He wanted to be a father so badly, it felt forced. I wasn't going to change my life for him so rapidly the way that Arizona had for her. She wanted kids and Arizona loved her so much, she wanted them too.

But I think she wanted children with Callie. Not Mark. And so, she had walked away. That must have been finality, because Callie hadn't said anything anymore. They watched each other, each hurt by the other. I think they were hurt more than Mark and I.

I know we shouldn't measure personal pain by the fact that there are worse horrors or circumstances in the world. We shouldn't negate our own. But when I looked at Arizona, I could feel it. Hers was much stronger than mine.

And when Callie caught us that day and Arizona chased after her, things must have stopped. Everything just stopped. The tension between them had at once erupted and then subsided. It dissipated into nothing and now Callie and Mark were getting married and I was hurt, but Arizona was crushed.

"Lexie, please," she told me, or asked me. I wasn't sure.

After many trysts and much hesitancy, she finally let me touch her. And it had felt so good. Watching those blue eyes that swam in ecstasy just for me. Watching the motions of her pale body that writhed and whimpered just for me.

I thought it was for me.

"Touch me, please" she whispered, backing me against the closed door of my room.

The attic was small. Meredith had let her in. I heard the news of their engagement much earlier than she had. She must have just found out. When I had heard, I wanted to immediately run into her arms. Not for her to comfort me, but for me to comfort her.

I chose not to run into her arms, though. I saw her later in the day when speaking with Alex. She whispered to meet her in the on-call room, but I had rounds. And the news shook me up so much, I'm sure it was printed on my face. She was going to inquire what had happened with me the way she always had. Opening me up, trying to fix me, but creating distance so that I could never hear her thoughts. But I chose to run away.

Everyone knew at that point. Everyone in Meredith's house had already known, but when Callie exploded at her that day when we were caught and she yelled at Arizona in the middle of the hallway, the whole hospital had heard. I watched from down the hall in horror. And then I saw Mark down that same hall, not watching those two, but watching me. With the same facial expression I had on, I thought.

I guess that was finality for us too.

After that, Arizona didn't care much about whispering into my ear. I think she was trying to nullify everything.

I cupped her face and looked up at her and she pressed her forehead against mine, looking me square in the eyes.

Her eyes were glossy and the opaque of her eyes were a little red from crying, I'm sure. Her blue irises were strikingly bright. Even sad, she looked beautiful.

The small light of the room cast a luminescent color upon the blonde strands of her hair that lingered and tickled my cheeks. I'm sure they'd cast a similar color upon her eyes, but she was too close for me to observe that. I looked at her, taking her in - because I don't forget things. I especially wanted to remember the way she looked when she looked at me, especially now.

She was sad, but there was a beautiful decadence about the way she held herself - she put up walls in front of others but when she looked at me, they came down, one by one. Today, they all came crashing down.

"I'll touch you," I whispered, capturing her lips. The kisses were soft, but they soon became desperate. There was desperation in the way she grabbed at me, cupping my face. She bit my lower lip, but I wouldn't let her in.

I pushed her back as best as I could, and she finally acquiesced, allowing me to lead her to my bed in which she softly toppled backwards. I crawled on top of her, my thighs straddling her hips, and I bent over to cup her face and kiss her again, this time biting her lower lip.

She allowed me entry, and my tongue collided with hers, brushing against each other. I slowly explored her mouth, tracing patterns with my tongue against her own until she finally pulled back to breathe.

I unbuttoned the bright blue shirt (much like her eyes) that she had on, to which revealed a black, lacy bra. I smiled at her, because I thought she was trying to impress me. She had a lot of lacy underwear, and everytime we had sex, she wore them.

She looked up at me, clearly aroused. The light made her eyes glow and holding her gaze seemed to make my heart flutter. I bent down again and kissed her neck, licking at the pulse point then moving lower to trace her clavicle with my tongue. I bit down slightly and heard her whimper and I felt the vibration of the sound on her skin. It turned me on so badly.

I took off her unbuttoned shirt without much problem (she wasn't so resistant to me touching her anymore) and unhooked her bra. Her breasts were always a marvel to me when I saw them, but they looked even better now that she was laying bare for me. On top of my bed.

I traced her nipples with my tongue and softly bit down on them. I heard that same whimper again and kissed down the middle of her chest to her navel. I traced my tongue around her navel as I unbuttoned her jeans and I could already feel her lower body shaking, her hips thrusting for me.

As I slowly pulled off her jeans, I kissed her thighs, and again, her toned calves and I kissed back up to where her lacy black panties were.

I looked at them for a bit and she stilled, looking up at me inquiringly. I met those glorious blues which seemed to be filled with curiosity. Her eyes were varnished with desire and I felt my heartbeat speeding up.

"Lexie," she whispered at me.

I slipped off her panties, which were wet and I could already smell her arousal. I pulled her legs onto my shoulders and traced her slit with my tongue.

I heard her exhale - a very sensual exhale, and she started to say something, but then I dipped my tongue into her and the words stammered off to a whimper, then a moan.

I felt her clench around my tongue almost immediately, and pulling back out, I traced her slit again, gently sliding circles on her clit before moving down to repeat the same motion around her entrance.

"Lexie," she whispered again. I loved it when she said that, when she said my name with such desire. It made me want to continue teasing her, but I knew she wanted me now. I knew she just wanted to come.

I slid my tongue into her again, deeper this time and I rubbed around her walls, trying to find the spots that made her almost yell out my name. I couldn't get enough, I loved her taste. She came around my tongue, but I didn't stop. I continued, this time moving my tongue to trace lazy circles around her clit while my finger slipped inside of her.

She gasped out my name, and I slid another finger inside of her. I sucked her clit into my mouth and she bucked her hips wildly, pushing her hot center against my mouth and fingers, and I felt her walls clench tightly around me as she came.

I crawled up her body, watching her breathe, my fingers still inside of her. I wanted to make her come again, but I suppose she needed to relax a little.

I gently eased my fingers out of her and slipped them into my mouth. She opened her eyes and watched me, seeming to blush slightly.

I continued to watch her, stretching my hand out to brush the hair out of her face. She watched me, her eyes softening. They didn't seem to be as sad as they were before. She leaned closer to me and gently kissed me on the lips.

And I felt my heart soar when she asked me, "Can I stay with you tonight?"

 


	4. Chapter 4

_"How about now?"_ she asked her.

Then she was gone.

When she walked, almost ran out the elevator, she regretted it almost immediately. The doors almost closed on her - she was frozen momentarily.

Callie was pregnant. Callie moved on.

Was it so easy? It wasn't easy for her. She couldn't get over Callie. She could never get over Callie. She couldn't sleep with someone else. She couldn't love someone else.

It was just Callie.

It had to be Callie.

Or so she thought.

She shouldn't have walked out of the elevator, she thought now. She bailed again.

That was it, she decided.

They had to be finished now.

"Fuck.." she whispered. She stared at the floor in front of her, adrenaline pumping, head pounding, ears ringing - heart beating rapidly, she thought she might fall over.

"Robbins? What's wrong?" she heard, looking in front of her. She was still standing directly in front of the elevator doors, looking rather disheveled and bewildered.

Her savior back to sanity, she thought briefly.

She shut her eyes and took and deep breath, then running her fingers through blonde hair. She smiled tenderly at the inquiring resident that stared at her back at her with curious eyes.

"Alex, heading home?" she asked.

"Yeah. I am. What's the matter with you?" he asked, pressing the elevator call button and looking back at her.

"Nothing, nothing's wrong," she murmured, turning around to face the elevator again, hoping Callie wasn't still on it.

She wondered what her reaction was. She remembered those eyes, they were so desperate. "Forgive me," they seemed to say. She almost laughed at her own reaction, slipping out as if by instinct. God, she was pathetic.

"Still trying to get to Torres? All she needs is ti-" he started to say.

"Stop," Arizona said.

"Look-" he continued.

"Please. Stop," she told him. She shook her head and laughed a little, watching the elevator doors open to reveal the pink walls and no trace of Callie.

She sighed in relief.

"Seriously, you looked like you were about to have a heart attack," he told her, walking in after her and pressing the button to the main floor.

"I think I did," she murmured, leaning back against the wall.

"Right.. it's gonna be a bitch working under Stark for a year. Did you move your stuff back in yet?" he asked, watching her as she stared at nothing in particular.

"No, I think I'll be staying back at the hotel until I find a place."

"What? But I thought you were-"

"I think we're finished," she told him, cutting him off.

"What?"

"Callie and I. I think we're finished now," she told him, as the elevator doors opened.

She hurried out and scanned the area, finding no sign of Callie. She was quite relieved, but a little disappointed.

"Why?" she heard behind her.

"Look, just give her-" he continued, but she rushed off to the main doors, exiting the hospital.

Alex hurried behind her.

"What the hell, Robbins? I'm trying to be your moral support, you need-"

"Callie's pregnant," she told him, finally standing still.

"Oh..."

"I told her my problem was that I always bailed and then asked her for another chance and she told me she was pregnant with Mark's kid and asked me if I still wanted another chance. And instead of discussing it, I ran out of the elevator before it closed," she explained, staring up into the night sky, trying to make sense of her words.

"So, yeah. I bailed again. I fucked up. Again. And now we're done for real and there's no way I can get her back," she told him.

"You can get her back. You just didn't know how to respond," he said, trying to soothe her worries.

"I'm not sure I want to.."

"What?"

"Get her back," she told him.

"Oh. Damn."

"Yeah.."

He had only been looking at her back, but he watched as her shoulders slumped and saw her head shift downwards, indicating that she was now staring at the floor.

"Have a drink with me?" he asked.

"Sounds amazing."

_End 7x12_

_7x13_

It was a terrible morning for sobriety. Not even a hangover to keep her distracted. When your body is physically miserable, you're able to counter most of what you wanted to avoid thinking about when you'd started drinking in the first place. But Arizona hadn't drank as much as she had planned to last night. She didn't talk to Callie and she thought that maybe she should have instead.

So rather than drowning out her miserable thoughts in alcohol, she ended up staring at her three glasses of wine, rather than drinking them. Her mind was swimming with thoughts, with possibilities.

Did she want it, after all? She definitely wanted a kid with Callie. Had wanted. She should have stayed to talk, to do something. But because she bolted out of those elevator doors, she ended up sleeping in the hotel she was previously staying at before she'd begun moving her things back in.

Now she'd have to move them out, she thought.

But not yet.

Before she had noticed, Alex was drunk. So the bartender asked Arizona to take her drunk friend home, else he'd pass out right there on the bar. She reluctantly agreed and quickly escorted Alex into a taxi before heading back to the hotel by herself.

Now it was morning and she was getting her habitual morning coffee in the hospital. Then she saw Callie and Mark walk through the doors and she quickly walked off to avoid them.

But she knew she'd have to talk to her. But she couldn't see them together. Not now.

"Don't even-"

"Callie."

"You're a coward, Arizona."

"Please-"

"I don't want to hear it, I can't forgive you for walking away from me. Again. You always leave and come back when it's convenient for you. Not this time. I was right, I was always right. I love you, but we can't work," Callie explained as she raised her voice.

"You slept with Mark and now you're pregnant!" Arizona yelled.

"You left me! In the middle of an airport! I didn't even know if I'd see you again! After I quit my job and all of my friends and you just left! Of course I tried to move on with my life!"

"By sleeping with Mark? The minute I turn around, you're by his side. Always. I wanted to spend my life with you, Callie. Not Mark. You! Now he'll always be there. Always!"

"You don't get it, Arizona, you never did.."

"I don't get _you_ ," she retorted.

"We can't make this work," Callie grumbled, turning to leave.

It was her moment to beg. To make it work. To have a chance to change it all. She watched Callie as she turned to leave, watching her back - quite possibly watching her leave forever.

"Maybe that's for the best," Arizona said.

It was a stab to her chest and she knew the power in those words when Callie's shoulders flinched. She watched her back, and watched her as she turned the door knob to leave.

"Not _maybe_. It _is_ for the best," Callie said, shutting the door behind her.

Arizona watched the door in silence and knew now, that she would drink it all away tonight.

 _"You are unbelievable!"_ she yelled, slamming the door behind her.

The vibrations of the door shutting echoed in her ears as her head pounded, and she stood in place, staring at the shut door just in front of her.

502\. Callie's apartment. No, wasn't it Arizona's? Probably. But Callie was moving back. Weren't they moving back together?

Had Arizona heard?

She heard nothing beyond that door, either.

A soundless hallway. She was trapped between two doors. Mark's and Callie's apartments, respectively. She was standing between their doors and like an obstacle that didn't belong. And her head was pounding incessantly.

Had Arizona heard too? Were the three of them going to be a family?

What was her reaction, was it like her own?

Who cares.

Same situation, twice.

The baby he wanted. Part of him, it's part of him, he had told her.

Was there anyway that they could-

Definitely not.

She was not changing her life for him. She was so reluctant to love him again, but she kissed him again and they were happy. And she allowed herself to love again, but not strongly or fully because -

Because of something like this.

God, the possibilities always seemed to take the form of reality and fuck with her.

She clenched her fists and fought back the tears that were burning her eyes, of which were almost released a few minutes ago. She watched him as he watched her back, ridden with guilt, yet ecstatic for the child.

He was hurting because he knew she'd leave. Those eyes were pleading for her not to leave. Those eyes, they weren't the same.

They wouldn't be the same eyes again.

She'd never look into a set of blue eyes and find herself madly in love. Not again.

His child.

Their child.

Callie and Mark.

Mark and Callie.

It could have been hers. He wanted it to be hers. He wanted her to stay.

She didn't want to stay.

She couldn't stay, she thought, feeling the tears trickle down her face. She held her hand to her mouth and took a deep breath - which came out quite erratically. The tears now fell onto the hand which held her mouth, and she thought that she would die if she didn't get out of there fast.

Everything was flashing, pounding - but everything was blurry because her tears were blinding her and heating up her face.

She paced down the hall and mashed the down button for the elevator. And he didn't come after her.

When the doors opened, she stumbled into the elevator, pressing the down button furiously. As the doors finally closed, she pressed the "Stop" button and crumpled to the floor, allowing her tears to finally flow and that pounding in her head to instead take the form of soft wails which seemed louder than she thought they were going to sound as she cried for the man she tried so hard not to love.

When the elevator doors opened again, she was on the main floor of the apartment. She walked out and felt the brisk wind of the night cool her heated body. She managed to get herself together, her breathing had finally returned to normal.

She looked terrible, but it didn't matter at this point.

She didn't know what to do with herself or how'd she feel tomorrow but she definitely knew that she'd be getting drunk tonight.

 


	5. Chapter 5

Arizona walked into Emerald City Bar, feeling disoriented and a little lost. After Callie had left the apartment, she paced around for a while, contemplating on whether to take her boxes with her. She had a lot of stuff, she thought, eyeing the still, unopened boxes littered around the floor.

She cursed under her breath and grabbed her purse before heading out and slamming the door behind her. She needed a drink, bad.

She stared at the door across from Callie's. Mark's apartment.

She watched it for a while before heading to the elevator and out into the cold night.

Now she was at the bar. And she stood at the entrance for a while, scanning the area. It was relatively empty - normal, since it was a weekday. But to her own surprise, she saw a familiar face seated at the bar, looking just as disheveled as she was.

Lexie Grey sat there by herself, eyeing a shot of some kind of hard liquor, seemingly lost in her own thoughts. She watched the girl from afar, contemplating on whether or not to go and talk to her.

And then Lexie sighed and ran her fingers through her hair and Arizona thought it wouldn't hurt.

"Can I sit here?" she asked, approaching the young woman.

Lexie seemed surprised, her wide, brown eyes glossy - it seemed like Arizona caught her in time. Before she'd start to cry.

"Sure," Lexie said, moving her own bag and placing it on her lap.

Arizona sat down and ordered a glass of wine, resting her chin on her palm as she watched the younger Grey gaze at her drink.

"I guess you heard."

"Yeah, a few hours ago."

"I heard yesterday. But I made the mistake of coming here with Alex last night, so it wasn't a great experience," Arizona laughed.

Lexie looked over at her as Arizona shifted her gaze to the fresh glass of white wine which the bartender had just placed in front of her. She sipped it a few times and sighed. And they both sat there in silence, stealing glances at each other.

Arizona finished her glass of wine quite hastily and was about to order another one when Lexie touched her shoulder.

"Here, drink this," Lexie offered, holding out her filled shot glass.

"I don't drink tequila."

At her refusal, the younger woman acquiesced, and gently placed the glass back on the bar. She looked over at the blonde woman next to her.

"Mark was-"

"I know you weren't together before he and Callie-"

"..Yeah."

"Old habits never die."

"I guess they don't.." Lexie whispered, tracing the rim of the shot glass with the tip of her index finger. She stared at the glass, lost in her own thoughts.

Arizona watched her gesture, then looking at the younger girl's sullen face as she gazed into the glass. She looked sad - her eyes were red and a little swollen, she'd clearly been crying earlier. Her hair was unkempt and there were strands of her long, brown hair carelessly swept to the side. Even battered, she looked pretty, Arizona thought. She felt that she had to say something. If there was one thing she remembered about Lexie, it was the genuine joy that seemed to emerge from her smile.

"It isn't your fault, though," she told her.

Lexie looked at her.

"It's not your fault for loving him."

Arizona looked earnest and Lexie couldn't help but smile sadly at her words. Here they were, two women whose lives have shifted so dramatically.

She threw back the shot of tequila, feeling it quickly burn her throat, then shaking her head.

"Ugh.."

Arizona watched her and laughed.

"Maybe I'll have one too," she told her, watching as Lexie gestured at the bartender for another.

"Seriously?" Lexie asked, surprised at her sudden change of heart.

"Why not? Nasty, but it helps you get drunk fast. And I think that's what we both need right now," she explained, as the bartender placed another shot in front of Lexie.

"I'll have what she's having," she told him.

"I've never seen you drunk before, Doctor Robbins."

"Call me Arizona, Grey. And we haven't really hung out before, have we?" she asked, watching the bartender place another glass of tequila in front of her.

"That's true. You should call me 'Lexie' too."

"Hmm.." Arizona contemplated, picking up the shot and squeezing her nose. She quickly threw it back and shook her head, coughing a little afterwards.

Lexie watched in amusement as Arizona shuddered in disapproval over the bitter taste of the drink.

"I think I like 'Grey' better," she said, gesturing at the bartender for another.

"Maybe we should order a round of shots," Lexie suggested, throwing back another.

"Sounds good."

"What are you going to do now?" Lexie asked her, waiting for the other order of shots. The tequila seemed to be sinking in now. She was sure that if she stood up, she would probably sway.

"Well, I've signed a contract with the chief again. I won't become head of Pediatrics until Stark is gone."

"You won't go back? To Africa?"

"It's not something I can easily take back, you know. 'Hey, my girlfriend and I are over, so I came back.' It's not an easy thing to pass up a grant that huge and then go back on a whim. They want me back for a week every 3 months, so I'll see if I can slowly get back to what I was doing," Arizona explained, smiling at the bartender when he placed the shots in front of them.

"Are you over, though?" Lexie asked.

"What?"

"You and Callie, are you?"

Arizona thought back to their conversation earlier. It was for the best, she reluctantly decided.

"Probably," she murmured.

"Do you want to go back to Callie?"

"My anger trumps my love," Arizona explained, throwing back another shot. Anger? Maybe it was cowardice. If she had only tried.

"I hope you can get your job in Africa back. If it'll make you happier than you are now," Lexie told her, watching as Arizona quickly threw back another shot.

"Maybe. I have no reason to be here anymore."

"Maybe you can find one."

"One that's not Callie," Arizona told her.

"One that's not Callie," Lexie agreed.

"Or Mark," Arizona continued.

"That doesn't make sense."

"It does now. He's the baby daddy, you know."

"Are you drunk or did acknowledging that hurt me more than you?"

"It hurts all the same, who cares. I am a little drunk. Be drunk with me. And there's a lot of promise in Karev, so there's my reason right now," Arizona continued, nodding to herself.

Lexie laughed and Arizona watched her. She could feel the tequila working rather quickly, stimulating her senses. She even felt as though the hurt she was feeling previously was redundant when looking at the younger Grey laugh and smile in amusement, almost pleased to be there.

"You're pretty, Grey. Mark is an idiot," Arizona suddenly told her.

"W-what? Mark is pretty hot too, you know. He's almost out of my league," Lexie retorted, feeling her cheeks burn at Arizona's declaration.

"Well, that's stupid. You're beautiful. Besides, you said 'almost'!"

"I should have some regard for myself!" Lexie laughed.

"You narcissist."

"Oh come on, I'm sure you're the same way!"

"Maybe. Fine, I am," Arizona laughed again.

Amidst the laughing and joking, they must have ordered too many shots, because the bartender refused to serve them anymore. He claimed the bar had run out of tequila, to which Arizona claimed that he was clearly lying. Lexie laughed at how outrageous the woman in front of her was acting, a side to which she'd never seen before.

Arizona was right. They weren't really friends. They'd never really hung out before. Perhaps as a group, or a group of couples - but never individually.

When she saw the older woman like this, she thought she had been missing out on a lot. Because despite seeing Arizona around Callie, she'd never really bothered to know her for who she was. And she found it exceptionally endearing. Beautiful, almost.

"Let's go, we should go," Arizona told her, scowling at the bartender who only rolled his eyes back at her.

"Sorry, Gary!" Lexie yelled, putting her hand on Arizona's back to push her out of the bar.

"You know him?" she asked, as they exited into the cold night.

"I come here a lot."

"You must have had a lot of heartbreaks."

"I've, maybe.. I don't know," Lexie murmured, signaling for a cab.

"Oh shit! I forgot to pay the tab!" she remembered, turning around to rush back in.

"Oh, I already paid."

"You did? When?"

"Just now. You were looking right at me, Grey," Arizona told her, narrowing her eyes. Maybe the girl was just as drunk as she was. She certainly didn't act like it.

"O-oh.." Lexie murmured, blushing.

"You're getting red. Why are you getting red?" Arizona asked, as Lexie finally found a cab and opened the door.

"Because I was."

"What?"

"I was looking right at you. I guess I was distracted," she mumbled, creeping her way into the cab.

Arizona paused for a moment and felt as though her heart leaped. Or maybe it was the tequila. She dismissed the unsettling feeling and followed Lexie into the cab.

"I'll have to pay you back," Lexie told her.

"Oh, you don't need to."

"I will. Where are you going now?"

"The hotel. Though I didn't pay for another night and I didn't bring a set of clothes with me. Shit, I really left everything at Callie's. I can't go back there now. I guess I'll just wear the same thing tomorrow-"

"Come over."

"But-"

"It's okay. Everyone's already asleep," she explained.

"Mer won't mind. You're not a stranger, Doctor Robbins."

"Ari-zona!" Arizona slurred.

"Mer won't mind, Ari-zona!"

They laughed and the cab finally pulled over to its destination: the Greys' house. Lexie paid the fare while Arizona stumbled out, waiting for the younger girl.

Lexie slipped out and almost fell on her face before Arizona grabbed her arms, keeping her steady as she fell onto her chest.

"Careful!" she exclaimed, as the cab drove off.

"S-sorry... Wow."

"What?" Arizona asked, as Lexie stayed in position - quite resembling an embrace.

"Do you feel sick?" she inquired again, tightening her hold on Lexie.

"You smell nice. Really nice. Not like tequila at all."

Arizona could feel her heart racing at her words - maybe it was the close proximity. She held Lexie in place, quite too long for her own good, she thought. And because Lexie was pressed against her chest, she could feel Arizona's heart racing as well.

She pulled herself out of her arms and dug through her purse to find the keys to the door.

"Thanks," Arizona murmured, far too late for a response. They both had a feeling that they were becoming too flirtacious, but they seemed to dismiss it.

Lexie quietly shut the door and the two slipped off their shoes before quietly creeping up the stairs.

"You know, I've never really come up here before," Arizona whispered, clinging to Lexie's arm for guidance through the dark hallway.

"Yeah, I know," Lexie whispered back, turning the corner to head up another flight of stairs.

"You live in the attic? That's gloomy."

Lexie laughed, and took Arizona's hand in her own before heading up the stairs. She opened the door to her room and pulled the switch to light up the room.

"That's a dark light," Arizona whispered.

"We can speak louder now. Yeah, it is," she said, dumping her purse on the floor. Arizona followed suit and the two laid on her bed, side by side.

"Sorry," Lexie murmured.

"For what?" Arizona asked, turning to face her. She watched as Lexie stared up at the ceiling - she seemed to be searching for something.

But she didn't really know what to say, so she said, "For paying the tab."

Arizona laughed.

"You're a sweetheart, Little Grey."

Lexie turned on the bed to face Arizona and they both watched each other, comfortable with the suggestive atmosphere, both contemplating as to whether to take it further or not.

"Your eyes are so blue," Lexie told her, watching them as they blinked back at her.

"They are. Yours are brown. And a beautiful shape," Arizona started to say, but abruptly stopped when she saw those same brown eyes well up with tears - glossy and sad, much like when she first saw them tonight.

"Mark stared at me with the same colored eyes," Lexie mumbled, remembering those grief-stricken eyes from earlier, the ones filled with regret, love, guilt... but above all, happiness. His dream was coming true. Without her.

Arizona couldn't help but lean into the other girl, drawing herself closer to cup her face as she closed her eyes.

"I'm not Mark, though.."

"I know, I know. You're not. I'm sorry, I-" Lexie cried, but forced herself to open her eyes. And she felt her tears stop because she found herself looking at a different set of eyes. Concerned, shining - sparkling, almost. They were different. Sad, yet somehow incredibly alluring. She felt herself being pulled into them, their brightness - they seemed to say something.

"Yours.. are pretty. Brighter. And.." Lexie whispered. She shut her eyes. If she looked at the ones staring back at her, she didn't know what might happen.

"And what?" Arizona whispered back.

Arizona knew where this was going. She shouldn't have done that, she shouldn't have leaned in and try to still her by pressing her forehead against the younger woman's. Maybe it was about Mark and Callie and how hurt they were right now.

Maybe it was, and maybe it was the same thing for Lexie. But watching her cry so suddenly and sincerely, she couldn't help but lean into her. There was something about Lexie that was separate from what she had been feeling that entire day. Even laughing with her and joking with her, she felt a solidarity with the younger woman - something different, refreshing. Fulfilling. Separate from everything else.

She wished that Lexie would open her eyes. But then she wouldn't know what she would do if she did.

"...Lexie?" she whispered.

At once, her eyes opened and met Arizona's gaze. And before she could say another thing, Lexie had kissed her.

And it was soft and sweet and made her heart flutter. She felt that same sensation that she had felt earlier when they were hailing a cab, and now she knew what it was. It was her, it was Lexie.

As Lexie pulled away, Arizona leaned in and kissed her again, this time tracing her tongue across Lexie's bottom lip, silently asking for something with her actions. But Lexie didn't seem to allow it. She pulled back and Arizona could feel her heart start to race. She wanted to stop? Of course she wanted to stop. It wasn't about them, what was she doing?

"You're.. not Mark. And I know that. But I'm not Callie, you know," Lexie whispered, bringing her hand to stroke Arizona's cheek. She gently ran her thumb across the other's bottom lip. Waiting, as blue eyes watched her.

"I know. You're not Callie. I'm not Mark. Who cares, Lexie.." Arizona whispered and pulled Lexie in for another kiss. She didn't let her go this time. She repeated her action of tracing her tongue across her lips and Lexie immediately responded, opening her mouth so that she could feel Arizona against her.

It was her silent agreement. All Arizona had to say was that. So that she'd see her for her and not some distraction. She was being unfair, they both were. Maybe it was just compensation.

Lexie felt Arizona shift her body so that the blonde was now on top of her, peering at her with those same eyes. Arizona planted her two arms on either side of Lexie's head, looking down at her. Before she could move down to kiss her again, Lexie stretched her arms out and placed her warm hands on Arizona's cheeks.

"Are you okay? You look... tired. And sad. And.." Lexie thought of what to say, still looking into Arizona's eyes, as if lost within them. Arizona looked at her and felt her heart beating hastily, so fast and hard. She wasn't sure what it was. She didn't know what Lexie would say next. She usually had the last words or cut someone off, but for some reason, she wanted to hear everything that Lexie Grey had to say.

But the younger woman's brown eyes were such a vivid, deep color under the light of her small attic-room and her lips were so pink and alluring and a little bruised from the way she had just kissed her. She wanted to do it again, so she ignored her racing heart and ignored what Lexie Grey had to say next, and instead, leaned down to kiss her, while slowly fingering the fabric of her shirt to touch her soft, hot skin.

Lexie moaned into the kiss, feeling Arizona slip her tongue into her mouth again, moving gently and slowly. She felt her fingertips trace the soft skin on her stomach, and then her ribs, inching all the way to her bra.

"Do you want this, Lexie?" she whispered, pressing her forehead against hers while her hand slowly pulled up her shirt. Lexie nodded her head and Arizona moved so that she could take off her shirt.

"Take yours off too.." Lexie said, pulling Arizona's shirt over her head and tossing it beside her bed.

Arizona smiled and unhooked her bra, before pushing Lexie back down to which the latter gladly responded by pulling blonde hair towards her to kiss those same lips.

Arizona repeated her actions, quickly slipping off Lexie's bra. Lexie shivered, and clutched at Arizona's hair, pulling her into a deeper kiss. The latter brought her hand up to Lexie's right breast, gently massaging and rubbing the younger girl's hardened nipple with her thumb and index finger.

"You feel good," Lexie whispered against her lips.

Arizona moved down to kiss the other woman's neck. She bit and nibbled at the skin before tracing a path down to her clavicle with her tongue. She moved to her breasts and brought a nipple into her mouth which she slowly licked circles around. She bit down on it gently before moving to the other one, sucking the nipple into her mouth this time.

Lexie arched her back, pressing Arizona further into her chest. She was surprised at how this woman could make her feel. She was soft and sweet and the feeling of her tongue against her sent her shivering, wanting more. She could feel her center heated, already wet from the first kiss. She couldn't help but want Arizona to see what she was doing to her.

Arizona continued to kiss down her body, and she now started to pop open the buttons to the younger woman's jeans. Lexie assisted her and quickly pulled down her jeans, which was thrown on the floor beside the rest of the removed clothing.

Arizona fingered the fabric of her underwear before kissing her clit through the thin cloth. She heard Lexie whimper and she could already feel and smell the wetness that emitted from the girl's heated center. She was amazed at the response she was getting from her.

She slipped off her underwear and took a moment to look up at Lexie who looked back at her with half-closed eyes. They were filled with want, sensual eyes which sent her heart racing again.

"Wow, Lexie.." she said, and Lexie wasn't sure what she meant. She looked back at Arizona who seemed to want some confirmation to continue. She nodded and threw her head back when Arizona pressed her mouth against her hot mound.

Lexie could feel her hot tongue tracing her slit. She heard and felt Arizona sigh against her with a warm, hot breath, which made her buck her hips.

"Please.." Lexie asked, and Arizona slipped her tongue into her, feeling the woman's walls clench her tongue, pulling her in deeper.

Arizona was surprised and turned on by how responsive her body was. She searched for the places inside of her that would make her whimper or twitch - when she heard those sensual sounds, her tongue would linger there, probing until she could hear the younger woman's breath hitch, disrupted exhales, shortened gasps, it was all she could do. Her tongue dove in deeper until she finally found that spot that send Lexie over the edge. She felt her come around her tongue and something drove her to want even more.

She crawled up her body, watching her as she caught her breath - eyes closed, hair damp, beads of sweat decorating her exposed forehead. When she opened her eyes, Arizona kissed her, slipping her tongue into her mouth. Lexie moaned, tasting herself on Arizona's tongue - something she'd never tasted before, and she felt her core become heated again.

Arizona propped up on her knees and unbottoned her own jeans, watching Lexie watch her with those same dark and sensuous eyes. She slipped off her own jeans and underwear, straddling Lexie's hips once again.

The younger woman watched her in amazement, the small light of the room casting a candescent light upon her blonde hair. It was dazzling, she was almost illuminating, Lexie thought. Her eyes fell to her chest and then down to center. She saw wetness trickling down from Arizona's thighs and reached out to feel her hot center.

She was astounded by how wet she was - she felt incredibly hot against her fingers, and Lexie slipped a finger into her, which caused the blonde to gasp in surprise. However, Arizona quickly grasped her wrist to cease her movements.

"No, we'll do it like this," Arizona told her, and lifted one of Lexie's legs onto her shoulder. She positioned her body and pressed her own center against the younger woman's, to which she received another sensuous exhale.

"Yo-you feel hot.." Lexie gasped, feeling Arizona's hot center press flush against her own.

"That's just you," she husked.

"You're really wet, don't you feel it?" Arizona asked again, rubbing against Lexie firmly. She was surprised at the wetness of the younger woman - Lexie reacted to every move she made, every touch, every turn.

"God, Arizona," she gasped again, grabbing the sheets beneath her and bucking her hips closer so she could press harder against Arizona.

She'd never felt another woman against her before, and the sensations were only elevated as she felt Arizona's clit rub hotly against her own. She already felt her center twitching, she could feel herself coming again and gripped the sheets harder. She came again, but Arizona continued to rub against her, and she felt as though she were soaring - she was incredibly turned on.

Arizona came against her and as she felt Lexie come again, she gently let her leg down and crawl up against the younger woman. Her breathing was short, and she continued to watch her. She was comfortable, it was a new feeling, she hadn't been with another person in a long time and it almost felt foreign. It was nice, she thought, brushing brown damp hair away from the younger girl's forehead. Lexie sighed happily, and before Arizona noticed, a light snore came from the former.

Arizona chuckled and felt fatigue overwhelm her body, as she fell into a bout of drowsiness and slept.

Arizona awoke to a number of voices and the sound of running water coming from somewhere. She opened her eyes slowly and tried to remember where she was. Attempting to shift her body, she felt a peculiar weight against her and saw brown hair pillowed on her chest.

It was Lexie Grey's brown hair.

Last night slowly came back to her and her heart leaped. She knew it was a pleasant night, and looking at the younger girl sleep, she couldn't help but want to smile. She looked peaceful and content - nothing like when she had first saw her the night before.

What time was it? she thought. She recalled the extra change of clothes she'd stored in her locker. She could take a shower at the hospital. She remembered having a morning shift today and gently lifted Lexie off of her so that she could climb off the bed. She quickly found her scattered clothing on the floor and slipped them on as quietly as she could. She looked back at Lexie and shook her head.

She shouldn't have slept with her, but she was sure that if Lexie opened her eyes and looked at her the same way, she would again. She scoffed at her thoughts. She wasn't even drunk anymore.

She quietly opened the door and creeped down the stairs, passing a closed door that was filled with a number of voices and running water.

Why were there so many people in there? She eyed the door for a moment but quickly found her way downstairs, only to run into the owner of the house before she could discreetly exit unnoticed.

"Arizona?" Meredith asked. She looked genuinely surprised. Arizona never came over, ever.

"Hi, Meredith," she said.

I slept with your sister, she thought. Shit.

"What are you-"

"Lexie and I had a late night. So I slept over. I hope you don't mind," she explained, blushing a little.

Meredith eyed her suspiciously. She could have sworn those were the same clothes she was wearing only yesterday.

"Not at all. Heading out already?" she asked.

"Yeah, I've got to get to the hospital now. Thanks again," she told her, hurrying off to the exit.

"Sure, see you at work."

She watched as Arizona shut the door and hurried off to leave.

"Who was that?" she heard Derek call out.

"Robbins. She stayed over last night."

"Really?" he asked, genuinely surprised.

"Arizona?" they both heard, and watched as Lexie raced down the stairs, looking disheveled as her clothes were carelessly thrown on. She seemed alarmed.

"Mer. Where's Arizona? Did you see her?"

"She just left. What happened last night?"

"No-nothing.." Lexie murmured, and raced back up the stairs.

"What was that about?" Derek asked.

"No idea."

Lexie shut the door to her room and gently slid down against it. She remembered everything from last night and was a little confused. She wanted to talk to Arizona about it, but woke up to discover that she'd already left. She only hoped she didn't regret it. Because.. Lexie had absolutely no regrets.

 


	6. Chapter 6

"Eat this," she told me.

She stood in between one of the shelves in the medical library, offering, from her outstretched hand, what seemed to be a banana (I observed this from the corner of my eye, because I didn't want to look at her).

She seemed to scout me out, and found me as I was surrounded with piles of medical journals and old research archives, seated comfortably on the floor. It was dusty, but the smell was comforting because it didn't make me think of anyone in particular. Well, it did. Libraries often emitted its own smell of exclusivity (much like Arizona when she's close to me), but all they did was remind me of old dead people who liked to write.

So it didn't make me think of her.

Why was she here? I didn't want to think about her, I just wanted to do my work. My life was in need of erasure of romance right now.

Romance? Maybe the wrong word for what I have with her.

Right. It's not romance. My heart dropped again. I hate that feeling. Soaring and dropping almost felt like the same sensations, but they were always accompanied with either an immense joy or a devastating heartbreak. I felt like I was being overdramatic, and that I would continue to, so I definitely did not want to see her.

I didn't say anything, but flipped the page of the journal I was reading.

"Lexie," she said.

I pretended not to hear her, but it was obvious I did. I bet she thought I was like a child at that moment, and I didn't really care. Even when she said my first name. Her voice embodied so many different tones from just the utter of my name.

"Lexie, stop ignoring me," she told me, and I could hear her coming closer to me as I pulled the journal closer to my face. I pulled my knees closer to my body and almost buried my head in the journal.

I heard her take a seat against the shelf I was facing, now seated directly in front of me. I heard her sigh, a single sigh - brief, tiresome, lonely, and beautiful as always.

"Don't ignore me, Lexie," she murmured. I couldn't help but imagine a pout on her face, and it made me want to smile a little.

But I didn't want to look at her.

"Go away, Arizona," I told her, plainly.

"You haven't eaten," she told me, pulling the journal down and setting it aside.

"If you want me to go away," she continued.

"..then you have to eat this," she murmured, offering me, as I thought, a single banana.

"Why do you care?" I asked her. I had to know.

"Why do you even know that?" I asked again.

"Because I watch you," she said, and there it was - that stupid sensation in my chest.

"That's... creepy," I lied - okay, maybe the phrasing was a little creepy. But not what she meant, because really, I liked that she could know when I haven't eaten for a while. Even if it's a small thing. Or maybe way too observant. But she watched me. Outside of the on-call rooms. Outside of my room in the attic. Outside of Meredith's living room. Outside of them all, she watched me in moments that bore no significance, during common rituals. She watched me when I wasn't watching her and that made my heart skip a beat.

But I couldn't let her know that. So I said it was creepy.

"Shut up, Grey," she grumbled, slightly embarrassed, and took my hand. She stuck the banana into my hand and clasped her own hand over mine before shoving it my direction.

"Eat. Okay?" she told me.

"I'm mad at you," I said, staring at the fruit she gave me.

"I know."

"So I want you to go away," I told her again.

I watched her reach into her pocket and pull out a small bottle of water.

"Are you listening to me?" I asked her.

"You shouldn't drink so much coffee, you need to stay hydrated, too."

Was she not listening to me? I wish she would listen to me even though I really didn't want her to go away. She never listened to me.

"I know that, Arizona. I'm a doctor too."

"Drink this," she said, handing me the water.

I looked at the bottle in her hand and narrowed my eyes. She was so stubborn. Why wouldn't she leave me alone when I wanted her to? She stubbornly prickled her way into my heart while maintaining an unreasonable distance when it came to her own problems. She was my comfort, but where was hers?

"You're my solace," I told her, still looking at the bottle in her hand.

"What?"

"You're my solace," I repeated.

She sounded very confused and it made me a little angry because I thought that maybe being gloomy and romantic would make her less stubborn and then she'd get up and go and leave me alone.

"Are you reading poetry? I thought you were reading medical jour-"

"You're my solace, but what's yours? Badgering me? Or just fucking me? Which one, Arizona? It probably isn't even me. You just keep to yourself all the time," I said, and I couldn't help but let the words spill.

I met her gaze and again, and to my own surprise, she was quite startled.

She looked at me for a while, her confusion becoming less apparent. She seemed to make up her mind and finally, I thought, she'd leave.

But instead, she propped up onto her knees and crouched over to me, toppling some books that were next to me over to the side.

"You're mine, too," she said, and I wanted to ask her in what way but she opened the bottle of water and drank some and then pressed her lips against my own, cupping my chin and moving my head, forcing me to drink the liquid that was in her mouth.

It was refreshing and tasty because it was Arizona, but also because my throat was so parched.

It surprised me, how sexual she could be. In anger. I think I must have made her angry. But I was angry at her too.

She released my lips and I watched as she took another gulp of the water. But this time, I pushed her shoulders back and she swallowed it before she could force me to drink anymore.

"Stop it," I whispered.

"Why?" she asked me, still leaning over to me.

"Callie caught us and then you ran away trying to explain yourself."

"I did," she confessed.

"You did. So why bother me now?"

"I need you to help me."

Of course she wants me to help her. Help her get over Callie by-

"I need to find an apartment, I need to move stuff out of there. All of them," she told me, sitting back on her heels.

I looked up at her, surprised. She looked slightly embarrassed.

"Um, will you help me find an apartment? I'm off tomorrow," she murmured, avoiding my eyes. She seemed to act like it wasn't a big deal, though she was clearly embarrassed. She looked to her side and took up one of the journals scattered on the floor, briefly feigning interest.

And with those words, there was that stupid sensation in my chest again.

I smiled, only it grew into a soft laugh. She looked up at me and then I took the banana that was thrown on the floor and started to peel it. I stared at it, smiling to myself. Then I looked back up at her.

And I saw those unreadable eyes light up in glee when I told her, "Of course."

 


	7. Chapter 7

I reassured Luis Timmins' parents that the surgery would go well and that Doctor Robbins was one of the best Pediatric surgeons in the country. It was a rather simple proceedure and nothing to worry about. I had told them that they came to the right place and that I'd be assisting Doctor Robbins, who was a thoroughly efficient person in every regard.

When it came to surgery, I thought.

I was on her service all this week, though I had a good idea about my specialty. Either Peds or Neuro. But Arizona had her eyes set on Alex. Still, I couldn't help but think that maybe this was it for me. Especially when I saw her speak to the children with such regard to concern, to making them happy - to making them smile and laugh, almost the way she had made me smile and laugh last night.

Definitely not like a child, though.

She walked in after I had spoken with the parents, echoing my own words with much thought and reassurance. She held a beautiful smile with her dimples beaming - one that could reassure anyone of anything. I remembered how she had showed them to me last night. Her smile seemed to replace the fragments of my broken heart, the way she laughed at every silly thing I uttered, the way she seemed so interested in what I had to say.

And then, those eyes. The way she had looked down at me, watching me as I tried to conjure the words to tell her that it'd be okay to talk to me and tell me what was bothering her in that moment. She just watched me, but I didn't get to finish my thoughts before her lips were on mine and all over me. I don't know who said that the eyes were the doors to one's soul, because I couldn't tell what Arizona was thinking behind those blue eyes.

While I watched her gleefully speak to Looey (Luis Timmins liked to be called 'Looey'), I thought back to last night. I wondered what she was feeling all night, the way she held me as I inhaled her scent after we exited the cab. I wondered who she was when she looked down at me with those sensuous, enigmatic eyes that held so much desire yet constraint for what she really wanted to say.

After she'd left this morning, when I leaned against my door - disappointed and ecstatic over the night before, I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to talk to her so badly that I could hardly think about anything else.

I think I must have wanted her, I wanted those sensations once again.

So I went looking for her as I came to the hospital and I found her laying in an on-call room bed, totally avoiding my eyes. She seemed immediately annoyed with me, so unlike the woman she was last night. The woman that prodded me with her eyes and explored me so slowly and carefully with her hands and tongue.

She was the first and only woman I've been with, but even so, the experience seemed to be exclusive because it was Arizona. She was soft and curvy and felt good pressed against my body. Her face lacked any of that familiar facial hair I've always felt graze me when I kissed a man - Arizona was just soft and tender and smooth.

She was smooth when she crawled down my body to taste me and she had done it in a way that was unlike any other. Though Mark claimed to have had a method himself, Arizona was different. She was precise and curious, she took her time to explore inside of me - she wanted to enjoy it and let me enjoy it. It wasn't a "warm up" session, it was-

God, it was incredible.

And feeling her own hot center against me sent my body on a high. And when I recalled that, I had to go looking for her less the memories drive me to a lustful madness.

So I went looking for her and she seemed angry and distant, my words were feeble to her, I had thought, but then she grabbed my arm and threw me on the bed. And she looked at me with those probing eyes and asked me what I wanted in a husky whisper and then I was gone.

Her fingers felt good inside me. She was always curiously looking down at me, surveying my reactions based on where her hand would touch - and if her eyebrows rose or she let out a simple gasp while looking at me, her fingers would linger there - rubbing, thrusting, until I gasped out and tried to kiss her. Then she'd pull back away from me and thrust harder and find a new spot that drove me insane.

But she wouldn't let me kiss her. And I think I wanted that.

"...And Doctor Grey is going to prep you for surgery, okay? She's great. She'll get you everything you need. Isn't that right, Doctor Grey?" she asked me, disrupting my train of thoughts which only seemed to be filled with her.

"Absolutely. You can count on me. Okay, Looey?" I responded, looking back at the child who watched me with wide, curious eyes.

"Okay!" he exclaimed, smiling at me.

The surgery went relatively well, the parents were pleased and post-ops were stable. While she operated, I watched her more attentively than I had before. Because, of course, before I had been attentive to the surgical proceedure - the esteem of the surgeon, as well - but most of all, my mind was invested in the body laying in front of me. And of course it was today.

Arizona glowed as a surgeon. I watched her eyes narrow in concentration, her focus fully on the patient before her. She was amazing.

We hadn't talked during the surgery. The only dialogue we exchanged were instructions on what to do. We talked to the parents right after and they were delighted that Looey would be just fine. While they shared an embrace, Arizona and I exchanged a look of intensity - happiness for the parents and something else.

I quickly changed into my street clothes and hurried to find her. She'd already departed the Attendings' lounge and my heart dropped. She had fled again. I wondered why she had grabbed my hand in that on-call room, I wondered why she hadn't brushed me off instead of exploring my body. But most of all, I wondered why I wanted to figure out who she was.

And defeated, I exited the hospital, only to find her standing there, in the cold, with a flimsy coat, waiting for me.

"Arizona," I said.

"I need to get a few boxes from Callie's. Will you come with me?" she asked me.

So I had agreed. Mark and Callie were still in the OR, operating on their respective patients, so it was a good opportunity to pick up her things. And it was unnerving going down that same hallway I had fled only last night. Though it seemed so long ago now. Arizona still had a key, and quickly opened the door to reveal many scattered boxes that littered the floor.

"All of these?" I asked her.

"No, just two tonight. I'm bringing them back to the hotel. I need a change of clothes," she told me.

She'd packed a few sets of clothing in her suitcase and held one box in her arm, while I held another. We hailed a cab right outside of the apartment complex and stood there in the cold in silence. In the cab to the hotel, we hadn't talked about that incident in the on-call room, we said nothing to each other.

As we exited the cab, she turned to me, almost reluctant to see me go, I thought. But I couldn't tell what she wanted to say with those unreadable eyes of hers.

"I'll pay for your fare back," she told me.

"I'll help you bring these up first," I offered.

"Okay."

It was a silly suggestion, and I think we both knew that. Certainly, the employees of the hotel could assist her in carrying her luggage up to her room, they even offered to as we walked to the front counter.

"Room for two?" the clerk asked.

"Just one."

He eyed us for a moment, but nodded his head and took her credit card, giving her the room key.

We declined many offers to have her luggage carried up and rode the elevator to her room in silence. She opened her door, and I was a little surprised at how large the bed was. She had told him one room, but that bed was far too large for one person, even if they were trying to be extravagant.

Arizona must have noticed it too, because I could see her bewildered expression when we walked in. She set her things on the floor and lifted the box from my arms, setting it next to the other things.

"Thanks."

"Sure," I told her, and I stood there, unsure of what to do.

I felt pretty silly, standing there, as if I were waiting for a tip - like one of the bell boys that helped carry things up to the customers' rooms.

She stared at her things in silence and we stood there.

"What do you want, Grey?" she asked me again, echoing words she had spoken earlier.

"I don't know," I confessed.

"You can leave now," she told me, finally shifting her gaze to me.

"I-"

"You can leave or you can tell me what you want," she said again, approaching me. I felt the close proximity and my heart started to beat, because I remembered what I wanted.

"I want you to kiss me," I told her.

She looked at me, her expression hadn't changed at all. She was expecting it, of course. And then she pulled on my coat, pulling me towards her, and kissed me roughly.

I felt my heart speed up when I felt her teeth on my bottom lip and her tongue slip into my mouth. It was like last night, but with sobriety. And it was good, I thought I could get used to the feeling of her tongue in my mouth. As she slipped off my coat and then her own, I thought I could get used to a lot of things with her.

She released my lips to catch her breath and pressed her forehead against my own, peering into my eyes while slipping off my shirt.

"What else do you want?" she husked, which only sent a shiver down my body.

"Everything," I confessed.

"What's everything?" she asked, unbuttoning my pants and kissing me again.

She started to push me towards the bed, and I wrapped my arms around her neck, inhaling that familiar "nothing like tequila" scent I smelled last night as her tongue brushed against mine. I could already feel my body heating up, my center getting hot. What was she doing to me?

She pushed me on the bed and slipped off her own shirt before moving down my body to unlace my shoes.

"Your shoes are old. Buy some new ones," she said, observing my beat-up canvas shoes, to which she tossed on the floor, one after the other.

I couldn't help but laugh at her declaration, and she watched me curiously while slipping off the rest of her outerwear.

"What?"

"You know how to ruin the mood," I laughed.

"There's no 'mood', Grey," she grumbled, and leaned down to kiss me roughly again. I wondered why there wasn't any "mood," when she kissed me so harshly. It was a lustful atmosphere and it was only intensified as she brushed her fingertips against my breast, which was still covered by my bra.

"There's no mood.." she started to say, unhooking my bra and slipping it off my shoulders.

She repeated the same action with her own bra before continuing, "...unless you tell me what you want."

She watched me again and pressed her chest against mine, and I could feel her nipples brush up against my own hardened ones. I couldn't help but let a moan escape from my mouth, but she wouldn't continue less I told her what I wanted.

So I did.

"I want you."

She kissed me again, pressing her breasts harder against my own and slipping her hand into my panties. I could feel her finger lightly trace my slit and I moaned loudly when she rubbed against my clit.

"What do you want to feel?" she asked me, and I couldn't say anything because I was too distracted by the finger that was now circling my entrance.

"Lexie?" she asked me, and slipped a finger inside of me.

"I want your mouth.. on me," I confessed, feeling my cheeks burn and my heart race, but I just didn't care. And so she smiled and kissed me again, but flipped me over so that I was now on top of her.

I was confused as to what she was doing, but then she guided my lips to her mouth and suddenly, my center was hovering over her face and I felt my heart start to speed up from the position we were in.

She wanted me to want it, I knew that now as I lowered my center closer to her mouth. I felt her tongue languidly trace my slit again, and then linger at my clit and I whimpered from the contact.

"Arizona.." I whispered.

And then she slid her tongue into me, but quickly stilled - not thrusting, but lingering and exploring again. Her tongue writhed inside of me and then I gave her what she wanted and started to thrust my hips against her mouth, forcing her tongue to go in deeper. She seemed pleased with my actions, and she started to thrust her tongue accordingly to my own movements and I felt myself clenching around her again.

I came quite quickly, but she kept her hands on my hips, willing me to stay in place and continue. So I did until I could feel my body begin to reach its peak and fatigue overwhelmed me. So she flipped me over again and explored me with her fingers instead, kissing me throughout most of it.

I didn't get to touch her, though. I touched her breasts, but she kept her panties on, and I couldn't help but want to feel her hot center against my own again. She was still maintaining a comfortable distance and I couldn't edge my way into her because she was touching me with her sensual hand and sending me over the edge.

And when we were finished and I was catching my breath, she gathered my clothes again, and I thought she was going to tell me to leave but she stacked them neatly against a lone chair near the window of the room and came back and laid next to me.

"Are you going to pay my cab fare?" I asked her, still short of breath.

"Just stay here, Lexie."

 


	8. Chapter 8

I felt awful today. Physical calamities put the worst kind of strain on your body, they seem to distract one from everything in front of them. During work hours in the hospital, I kept my control, attentive to the urgencies all around me, but during the down times, I felt it overwhelm me and so, I kept to myself. I'd lay in an on-call room, my body stretched out on the bed, rubbing my stomach in a rhythmic motion. Or I'd go to the lunch room and bury my head in my arms. Like now. I wanted the week to end, I would think, feeling my lower stomach contract itself - affecting my bowels and my bladder. I felt miserable.

"Why are you avoiding me?" she said, and I heard shuffling in front of me as she took a seat. I heard her place something on the table and I moved my head, still cradled in my arms, up to look at her.

"I'm not avoiding you," I groaned.

I saw the cup of coffee she held loosely in one hand and a plate (littered with veggies) that she gently placed down on the table. We were in the cafeteria for lunch. Well, I was. I decidedly came here to have something to relieve my pain, but when looking at all the foods in front of me, I decided against it. I suppose she scouted me out again, finally finding me here.

"I texted you earlier and you didn't respond. Also, I saw you leave like three different on-call rooms today, looking miserable. What's wrong with you, Lexie?" she asked me in disbelief, probably because she didn't believe that I hadn't been avoiding her.

She called me 'Lexie' often now. She'd let it slip numerous times, during moments of concern for me, or when we would have sex. Or when I was upset with her, like the time I was hunched over old medical journals in the hospital's library, keeping to myself and avoiding her.

So of course she'd worry and come chasing me when I was avoiding her.

I don't think she realized when she was doing it - calling me 'Lexie' and scouting me out. She made it a habit to call me 'Grey' before, but now it was becoming something of the past. Something she'd forget and then remember. But in intimate moments that were just me and her, she'd call me 'Lexie'. I couldn't figure her out, with the whole name exchange nonsense, and it hurt my head to do it now, so I quickly dismissed the thought and buried my head back in my arms.

"Lexie," she said.

"What?" I groaned, the sound muffled by my arms.

The table smelled like old cafeteria food and it only furthered the upset motions in my stomach. I needed fresh air.

"I have to go," I told her, quickly getting up.

"Where are you going?" she asked me.

"Outside."

"Why?"

"I need fresh air."

"Meet me in-"

"Not today," I told her, quickly making my way out of the lunchroom.

Her expression fell as I turned my back on her and made my way out. I felt bad, of course, but I couldn't be there with all those terrible smells floating up into the air and all around me.

As I stepped outside of the hospital, I felt my phone vibrate. I looked at the new message in my inbox, which was from Arizona. She asked me to come over to her apartment tonight. Nothing else, nothing more. No "Talk to me," or nothing about me walking away. Just - "Come over tonight." I responded with an "Okay" and eyed the time. My break was almost over, and my lower stomach started to ache again. Damn it.

Walking back into the hospital, I recalled the day we went apartment hunting together. It wasn't as formal as I thought it would be. We found one rather quickly, a cozy apartment complex that wasn't too far from the hospital. It was a decent 30-minute walk, a 4-minute drive. Nothing too extravagant, it was small and comfortable for a single person.

Single. I sighed. Right. I thought that maybe I should find an apartment, as well. I think Meredith was quite tired of Arizona coming-and-going, leaving the house in a hurry. It was a little strange, because Meredith was still wary of our strange "relationship". She didn't seem resistant of Arizona, I had no idea what they'd talked about that day when Arizona told me that my sister "confronted" her - but Meredith didn't say much to me. She seemed more wary of my actions rather than Arizona's indecisions. But she didn't know Arizona that well to know that she was so strange and indecisive and beautiful and amazing.

But Arizona would never stay with me for the night. She'd leave immediately or not too soon after. She'd have me stay by her, whether it was her hotel room or her apartment, but she'd never do the same thing for me. I was always a little sad after she'd leave, so I'd clutch the pillow she'd been previously laying on and fall asleep.

We had some coffee at a cafe near her new apartment, it was nice. We didn't talk about much, mostly about our patients. And then we went back to her apartment and she pushed me up on her counter and slipped off my pants. I thought it was extremely sexy , the way she buried her head between my legs just beside the sink and stove. I didn't think domesticity would turn me on, but the way she had so suddenly push me up against the counter while I was washing my hands made me change my mind.

Then she told me to go home and the next day when I arrived at her apartment, all of her boxes were scattered on the floor. She said she had Alex help her move all her stuff out of Callie's and into her new apartment. I was a little disappointed, but I didn't want to see Callie or Mark (especially not after they'd found out) and I'm sure Arizona didn't care much for the tension that would accompany our presence in Callie and Mark's apartment complex.

It started to rain when my shift had ended. It was rather late and I was still feeling quite miserable. The pains in my stomach had increased, and I felt the uncomfortable twinges take its course.

A part of me really wanted to see her, so I caught Meredith in time to have me driven to Arizona's (I definitely did not want to walk there). After saying goodbye to my sister, I headed up to her floor and hesitantly knocked on the door.

Soon it was open, and I saw Arizona with her lovely eyes, looking almost happy to see me. She let me in and I took my jacket and shoes off while she walked over to the kitchen.

"I cooked something. You didn't eat lunch. Come eat," she told me.

God, my stomach couldn't take any food right now. And Arizona's cooking was terrible. I knew that even before we'd begun our trysts.

"I'm fine," I told her, gently declining her offer.

She watched me for a moment, clearly upset. I suppose she was unsure of what she'd done, but she really hadn't done anything at all.

"Why are you mad?" Arizona asked, walking up to me. I hadn't moved from the door, and she gently pushed me against it, placing two hands next to either side of my head, locking me in place.

"I-I'm not mad," I told her, looking into her inquiring eyes.

"Liar."

"I'm not lying, Arizona," I retorted. I wanted her to move, otherwise, I'd fall into her arms.

"Then kiss me," she told me. So I cupped her cheeks and pulled her in for a light kiss, feeling her soft lips against my own. I realized that we hadn't kissed all day and that I missed this feeling, but I became frantic when she slipped her tongue into my mouth and pushed me hard against the door.

She kissed down my jaw line and moved to my neck, sucking at my pulse point and I started to shiver. I didn't want it, but I did.

I felt her hand creeping its way towards the waistline of my pants and I was snapped back into reality.

"N-no, wait. I have my-" I told her, grabbing her wrist before she could reach the hem of my pants.

"What?" she asked me, surprised that I was physically stopping her. She looked concerned for a moment and it made my heart jump. I wish I didn't have to stop her.

"I have my period," I told her.

"Oh!" she said, looking a little relieved that I hadn't stopped her for other reasons. She quickly drew her hand back and stood in front of me. And suddenly, I supposed, it all made sense to her now - the way I had acted today.

She seemed as though she was relieved. But she couldn't touch me now and she seemed to be a little disappointed.

I didn't want to leave yet.

"Can I touch you?" I asked her.

"I don't want to feel good if you're not doing it with me tonight," she told me, brushing my hair back and lightly kissing me again.

"I can't really-"

"It's too late for you to go home. Too stormy. Let's watch a movie," she told me, turning to shuffle through an unopened box she hadn't unpacked yet.

I felt happy. She wanted me to stay. To not go anywhere. Even though we wouldn't be having sex tonight, she wanted me to stay. We were friends, but we'd never done this. Never had a movie night. Maybe I was thinking too much into it.

"Really?" I asked her.

"Really."

So we watched Tangled, a cute Disney movie that Arizona seemed to really enjoy.

"Periods get to you bad, huh?" she asked me, as I leaned against her on the couch, resting my head against her chest. She was laying stretched out on the couch and I laid on top of her.

"They do," I told her, as her hand gently inched up my shirt. She started to rub my stomach lightly - not teasingly, but comfortably, trying to soothe my pain.

She was being exceptionally affectionate tonight and I wondered why. I wondered why she kept searching for me when I hadn't come running to her, why she continued to be so kind to me. I didn't want to think about, though - and my eyes started to close when Rapunzel started to sing on the TV about seeing lights or something.

"You should eat something, though," I heard her say.

"I'm not hungry," I told her.

Amidst my drowsiness, I felt her pull me in closer.

And I could have sworn she buried her nose in my hair before I fell asleep.

 


	9. Chapter 9

I tapped my foot on the floor, sipping on my coffee and blankly staring down the hallway stretched out in front of me. I needed those scans, where was she? I hadn't seen her much last week (aside from the on-call rooms I dragged her in) because Bailey convinced me to trade-off with her and sample another Resident. It wasn't necessary, seeing as many had already known their choice of specialty. Not that Cristina Yang was any less of a hassle in Paeds. Cardio mongrel, I thought.

But now Lexie Grey was back on my service again - and I was impatiently awaiting her return with those scans. She seemed pleased to be in my service today, cheerfully greeting me this morning.

"Good morning, Doctor Robbins!" she had said to me not too long ago, handing me a fresh cup of coffee, which I was now sipping. She was being overly friendly, not to say I resented it, but I needed to keep my distance. So I hadn't greeted her in return, I simply took the coffee out of her hand and muttered a "Thank you".

We'd confirmed something that night when she helped me bring a few items back with me to the hotel I was staying at. She stood there, waiting for me - waiting for me to ask her what she wanted and to give it to her. It had only been weeks, but I was still there, and now she'd come often. The annoying clerk at the front desk would always ask if I'd like a suite for my girlfriend and I, but I always declined, insisting that she wasn't my girlfriend, she was only a friend.

He would only arch his eyebrow and give me some superficial smile and then I'd be on my way.

Now I was waiting for her at the Nurses' station, my break nearing its end.

"Get your crap out of my apartment," I heard behind me.

I already knew who it was. I didn't have to turn around for confirmation. However, lately, her voice coming from behind me had always managed to make me flinch.

"I will, I haven't found an apartment yet," I murmured, watching Lexie strut down the hall with those scans. Her excited demeanor quickly changed upon seeing the woman behind me.

"What are you waiting for, Arizona? We're not-"

"I know, Callie. I'll still pay the rent," I told her, as Lexie quickly presented the scans to me, eyeing Callie who only stood behind me. She seemed surprised, and darted her eyes from myself to the woman behind me. Callie hadn't said anything to Lexie, either. Perhaps there was guilt weighed on her conscience for what had happened only weeks before.

She didn't know about Grey. She didn't know about that night at the bar a few weeks ago where Lexie and I had found compensation in each other. It was only compensation, I thought - but then Lexie would smile at me or give me some curious, childlike expression and then I'd wonder whether it was compensation or whether I really wanted this girl.

"Let's go, Grey," I told Lexie, reading the scans she'd brought for me. I didn't look back at Callie, I just waltzed over to the elevator with Lexie following behind me. I pressed the call button and the elevator quickly arrived.

As the doors shut, I felt Lexie's gaze on me while I passively flipped through the scans in my hands.

"What did she say?" she asked me, timidly.

"Nothing really," I told her.

"Oh.." she murmured, and then I looked at her.

She was staring at her feet, shifting them awkwardly as she had always done when I had nothing more to say. Her eyes were narrowed, she was deep in thought, it seemed. When she stood there, contemplating to herself, I always felt the need to interrupt her train of thought - to have her looking at me with that telling face of hers, so I walked over to her and handed her the scans.

"Hold this for a minute," I told her.

She seemed to snap out of her daze and looked up at me in surprise - these expressions were momentary, but it was cute and a little funny, watching her bewildered and confused face.

So expressive, I thought. She took the scans from me with her two hands, and so I grabbed onto her shoulders and pushed her back against the wall. I kissed her roughly, wanting to feel and hear her moan for me - and then she opened her mouth and I slipped my tongue inside her mouth to meet her own.

She let out a whimper, but then I heard the elevator make a sound, indicating that it would stop in a few seconds, so I let go of her - watching her and her indicative face.

"Good morning, Grey," I whispered in her ear, and then I took the scans out of her hands and walked out of the elevator.

I thought she'd follow right behind me, but I guess she was frozen in place, because by the time I turned to look at her again, the elevator doors shut and I watched as she snapped out of her daze again, a little too late this time.

I laughed when the elevator doors closed on her.

I knew she'd catch up, though - so I headed to see my patient.

As I spoke to the child and her parents, Lexie hurried inside, quite flustered and embarrassed, but she quickly collected herself upon arrival.

"Sorry I'm late," she announced.

"Glad you could join us, Doctor Grey," I teased, as Bailey (my consult) watched her with amused eyes.

I explained to the child's parents the risks of surgery - there was always something on the line, but they shouldn't worry, we'd do our best. The child was old enough to understand the risks, as well - at 13, you begin to reflect on the possibility of death.

Earlier, even, as I recalled the various children under my care - like Wallace. My heart always drops when I think of him, when I think of that night. How sad and happy I'd been.

But it was in the past now. Because what mattered was the tiny human in front of me.

Still, it'd be okay. I always spoke to the children without their parents, and after having my coffee break, I'd headed back to the room. But I saw Lexie in there with the child, speaking to her and laughing.

I covertly stood by the door - it was ajar and I could see them both, laughing and chatting with each other like teenagers.

"So how do I know if he likes me?" the girl asked her.

"Hmm.. well, boys can be pretty stupid and obnoxious most of the time. The fact that he chases you around means he probably likes you, though," she told her, nodding her head for emphasis.

"But he bullies me," the girl retorted.

"That doesn't sound like bullying. That's teasing, you know. Playful bullying. He definitely likes you," Lexie explained.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive!"

"Has anyone done that to you?" the girl asked her, and I suddenly felt like a child.

Because I realized how much I do that to her, I tease her like a school boy crushing hard. I resisted the urge to slap my palm against my forehead, but I felt my cheeks start to burn.

Was I really doing that? I did do that. I liked to tease her just to see her reaction. I don't know why. I wasn't exactly "crushing" on her in the sense of the girl's situation. It was very different, we were both adults. I was having sex with Lexie, but I did tease her.

I teased her often and she didn't seem to hate it. I loved when she would pout - it made me want to kiss her lips and - when was it that I'd started to drag her into on-call rooms, anyway?

"Doctor Robbins!" the girl exclaimed.

Upon noticing my presence, Lexie turned to look at me, as well.

"Doctor Robbins, is something wrong?" she asked me.

"No, I'll come back," I told her, and quickly left.

Lexie said something to the girl and then turned to follow me as I walked into an on-call room. I sat on the bed and ran my fingers through my hair, as she approached me and sat next to me.

She was going to inquire again, though she often held herself back.

"Are you okay? Your face is kind of red," Lexie remarked, watching me as I avoided her eyes.

"I'm fine," I told her.

I felt stupid for a moment, being there. Thinking that. Comparing my own situation to a child's.

"You can leave," I told her.

"But-"

"I'm going to rest for a bit."

"Okay," she told me, and so she left.

The next time I saw her, she was speaking to Jeremy, a 5-year old patient who had just been admitted this morning. His parents had already left, and so I decided to talk to him in case he was lonely, but Lexie was already there, making him laugh and watching him as he played a game on his portable console.

She sat close to him on the bed, watching him play and pointed to the screen, praising his performance. I watched her while she smiled at him, patting his head and edging him on - telling him that he was a skilled player.

I felt a little strange, watching her. It wasn't a lustful desire I had for her in that moment, it was a different kind of feeling. Admiration, maybe.

 _"You're a sweetheart, Little Grey,"_ I had told her that night after we'd gone to the bar. It was true, she really was. Especially in this moment as I watched her.

She saw me watching her again, and I turned to leave, heading for the staircase this time. I heard her steps follow me down into the hallway and I opened the doors to the staircase.

"Arizona," she called out, closing the door behind her as I paced down the stairs.

"Arizona, is something wrong?" she asked me, and I stopped walking down the steps and turned to look at her.

She looked concerned, as if she'd upset me or something of the sort. I wanted to touch her. I wanted to touch her and it made me feel a little crazy because she had done nothing to really make me want to touch her besides look at me with that expression on her face.

So I pushed her against the wall adjacent to the stairwell and looked into her eyes.

"I was just waiting for a chance to kiss you," I told her, and so I did just that. I kissed her and she replied in kind, wrapping her arms around my neck. I ran my fingers through her brown hair, pulling her into me - taking her all in.

She slipped her tongue into my mouth, attempting to take a more dominant stance, but I captured that tongue and grazed it with my teeth, which caused her to moan into my mouth. The sounds she made always got me incredibly excited, I could feel my center heat up at her reactions.

I slipped my hand into her scrub pants and lifted one of her legs, to which she lifted the other and wrapped her legs around my waist. I wasted no time - considering where we were, and I slipped my hand into her panties and slid two fingers inside of her. I felt her walls grip me tightly and I pushed her roughly against the wall.

She was trapped against me and tried to buck her hips to deepen the thrusts, but I kept my fingers still, rubbing her upper walls, feeling her clench against me. I was still searching for the spots to which she'd gasp out my name loudly, but I had forgotten where we were for a moment, so I started to thrust my fingers inside of her, pushing her further into the wall.

Her whimpers and moans grew, and I had to tell her to quiet down - she tried her best, it seemed, but she couldn't do it, so I silenced her with my mouth - I felt her moan into my mouth and I felt I would come with just this.

I thrusted harder against her until she finally came with a loud gasp, moving her mouth away from my own. She held onto my neck tightly, and then I felt her legs start to fall, so I gently slid down the wall with her, fixing her scrub pants back in place.

I watched her with her eyes closed, desperately trying to catch her breath and I recalled what she'd been doing before all of this. She'd been talking to the children whose parents had already left for the night - attempting to relinquish their loneliness by showing that they always had someone to talk to.

That must have been universal for her, I thought - because she always tried to do the same thing with me, though she'd often come off as timid. She followed me, worried that there had been something wrong, when there hadn't at all been anything wrong.

I was just thinking about her. And she came to inquire, yet I pushed her back against the wall and she fell into me like nothing.

She opened her eyes, finally and looked at me, her arms still lightly wrapped around my neck. We were still on the floor.

"Are you okay?" she asked me.

I couldn't help but smile and lean into her.

I heard her inhale a sharp, sensuous breath when I whispered into her ear the same words I often found myself echoing.

"You're a sweetheart, Grey."

 


	10. Chapter 10

It'd been a long while before Lexie was on my service again. It was a busy week, I'd been operating so much, I had no idea when I'd finally catch a break. But I finally did. Amidst the array of surgeries, it had finally settled down. Karev was doing exceptionally well, but he'd decided to change it up after this week. I'm sure he saw that I was getting frustrated over the lack of sleep - and I hadn't seen Lexie in such a long time, so that further frustrated me. I don't know why, I supposed I just missed her company.

I directed my anger towards him, thus he needed a well-deserved break from me. I guess I don't blame him. During moments of solitude, I often wondered what Lexie was doing, how she'd been performing under Shepherd's service. She definitely had a thing for Neuro, I could see it. But I also saw that charming behavior exemplified in Paeds - just from the way she spoke to the patients and the parents, smiling with such genuinity.

There was something so different about her. I must have thought I was fascinated because she was different from Callie. I hadn't been with a younger woman for a while - not since before Callie. Callie had at once seemed to be my world, and now she's hardly anything to me anymore. Perhaps those are strong words, but her presence doesn't linger as much as it had when I'd left her for Africa.

A flicker of the past, she must have been. When I passed her in the hallways, we'd look at each other - wanting to say something. To at least apologize, I thought. Apologize for the things we let pass by, apologize for not being able to forgive, for not loving enough, for not trying harder to be more than what we appeared to be.

I found myself thinking about that when I passed by her, or when I'd remember that I needed to get my boxes out of that apartment. Something inside of me kept them there - maybe it's because I wanted to say something as she passed me in the halls, watching me sadly.

I must have been broken, I thought - but then I see Lexie and it's like my mind completely shuts everything else out. When I see her in front of me, something becomes real - I don't quite know what, but there's something there. When I see her, I feel my heart almost lifting from that dismal pain that relapses at times.

She talks too much, she's ranty and timid. But she's so expressive and real - unlike myself. I am able to suppress what I feel - it's self-control, isn't it?

And I find myself wanting her. Wanting to touch her, wanting to feel her against me. I loved the way she would look at me with her sensuous eyes, half-opened and wanting more. Her gasps, her moans, her whimpers - they echoed in my head when she wasn't around me.

But now my frustration was becoming latent. Lexie was starting to resist me, and I had no idea why. And it was incredibly disheartening. She was on my service again, finally - yet, she was resisting me.

We'd been at it for weeks - I pushed her hard against Meredith's living room table a few days ago because I hadn't seen her in so long. I'd only catch a glimpse of her as I headed down to the OR or walked down the hall for something. I wondered if she was upset because of my refusal to stay the night. I made the excuse that it wasn't her house and then she'd said she would have asked Meredith, but it just seemed silly. So I refused and left and now she was resisting me, though she was back on my service.

"No, Arizona," she said, pushing my hand away from her cheek.

I'd paged her for a few scans and then I pulled her into an on-call room. And then I felt her pull away slightly as I pulled on her wrist and pushed her against the door, making it shut. I didn't want to come off too strong, and I began to wonder why she'd begun to refuse me.

She looked into my eyes for a moment, and I couldn't tell what was written in her own. She seemed irritated at me, so she brushed off my hand from her cheek before I could kiss her and pulled herself away from me, telling me she'd go get the scans right away. She had left me in that on-call room alone and I stood there in silence.

She hadn't shown up at my hotel that night.

Then something had changed, because she would brush up against me or linger by my side for a moment. She'd lean over my shoulder and into me as I'd sit there, reading scans or checking the computer at the Nurses' station. I'd smell her, an intoxicating smell - and then she'd be gone before I knew it.

I finally understood when we'd gotten onto the elevator. I couldn't exactly confront her because Meredith had gotten on, as well. I pressed the floor that I was heading to, but then she'd reach in and press another button at the same time, her hand brushing up against mine. She'd caught my attention fully then, and I'd look at her and she'd look straight back at me - her deep brown eyes glowing.

She'd been teasing me. Perhaps it was retribution for all I'd done, but I hadn't teased her and left her as much as she did to me. I'd tease her until she told me what she wanted and then I'd-

And then I realized that she wanted me to want her the same way I'd done with her.

It felt like a silly game for a moment, like she was trying to upscore me or something. But then I realized how badly I wanted it, especially when I felt her hand graze against my own, or those brown strands of hair cascading over my shoulder as she leant over me.

I don't know why I wanted her to touch me. It turns into something more once the feelings are reciprocated - once the touching is exchanged. But god, I really wanted Lexie Grey to touch me.

So I texted her to meet me in an on-call room and she entered and asked me if everything was okay with the post-ops she'd been assigned to.

"It's fine," I muttered.

She looked at me for a moment and then turned to go, "Okay, then I'll be-"

"Wait," I interjected.

"Tell me what you're thinking."

She turned to look at me, her face scrunched up in a frown. Why did she look amazing even when frustrated? I suppose we all praise those we sleep with in the moment.

"I want to touch you," she told me.

I expected it, and it seemed she expected that I knew.

"But you won't let me," she continued.

Her gaze fell to her feet once again, and she shifted them in her usual way. Suddenly, she looked up at me, worried as though she'd offended me. As if I were angry, I thought.

"S-sorry," she murmured, and turned around to go. I quickly grabbed her hand and pulled her back to the desk just beside the bed. I moved the chair and pushed her against the desk and leaned into her.

She didn't touch me, she hadn't moved at all - her hands were gripping the desk as I leaned into her, just lightly grazing my lips against her neck and up to her ear.

"Touch me, Grey," I whispered.

She suddenly grabbed my face and pulled me to her and kissed me very roughly. I hadn't expected it to be that intense, and I felt my knees almost weaken. She grabbed at my lab coat, pulling it off me, yet not releasing my lips.

We hadn't kissed all week, I thought - and I supposed she thought that too because as soon as my scrub shirt was off, her lips were back on mine. She forced her tongue into my mouth and dug her nails into my back before unhooking my bra and flinging it off of my arms.

She touched my breasts very gently, not teasingly - but rather inquisitively. She was discovering my body, I thought as she circled her fingers around my nipples. She pinched them very lightly and moved her head down to my breasts - nibbling, licking, sucking.

I felt my knees start to shake as I gripped her hair. She moved back up and kissed me again and then looked up at me with dark, smouldering eyes.

"I want to taste you," she told me.

I watched her - my eyes giving her the confirmation that she wanted and she suddenly became very dominant, very sensual. I felt her fingertips lightly trace circles around my stomach and my sides.

"A-Are you sure you want to?" I whispered to her, feeling suddenly embarrassed as she tugged off my pants. She pushed me lightly back on the chair, so I was sitting up and then she crouched down to me, gently placing her hands on my knees.

"I couldn't be more sure," she told me, looking up at me. And the intensity of her eyes seemed to paralyze me for a moment. My heartbeat started to speed up, I could feel it in my chest.

She slipped off my panties and then stood up again and straddled my hips. She placed her hands on shoulders and just looked at me, and I thought that maybe she had changed her mind, but then she lightly wrapped her arms around my neck and leant down to kiss me.

Loose strands of brown hair fell over my cheeks and onto my shoulders as she slipped her tongue back into my mouth - and I felt overwhelmed - everything was suddenly Lexie. The smell, the feel, the taste.

She kissed me lightly one last time and looked into my eyes. She smiled and kissed down my neck and then got on her knees.

"Can you spread your legs?" she asked me.

So I did.

"You've never done this.." I started to say, but my own gasp cut my words short, because then, I felt her hot breath against me. I felt the wetness trickle down my thigh as her continued hot breaths (which were so close), only seemed to make my legs tremble.

She seemed to be taking in my scent, or something, because she looked at me very inquisitively, curiously. I really thought she'd stop this time, but then she spoke and it felt as though I would just melt into her light touches.

"You showed me how," she husked and then I looked down at her as she stared back up at me, burying her head between my legs. I felt myself shudder as she finally put her hot mouth on me and met my gaze with those lovely, curious eyes of hers.

I felt her lightly lick me - sampling, maybe - or even savouring. She lightly stroked my slit with her tongue, finding the places that made my legs tremble more. I pushed my lips closer to her mouth, leaning back on the chair so that she could position herself better.

I'd give her it, if she wanted it.

"God, Lexie. I want you," I whispered, and then I felt her sigh against me before lightly tracing my clit. Her tongue moved in all sorts of patterns (at one point, I thought she was tracing her name) attempting to find what made me moan for her.

I gasped as Lexie sucked my clit into her mouth, licking it with her tongue. I suddenly felt very sensitive, I could feel my body heat up uncontrollably and I felt my hips start to quiver. She held me down and in place, she refused to be stopped.

I finally came, hard. And I caught my breath while she crawled back up my body and straddled my thighs again.

"You taste good," she whispered, looking into my eyes and kissing me harshly.

"You're so rough, Grey," I told her.

"You love it."

And I had to laugh because it was true. I loved it all, really.

 


	11. Chapter 11

She's trying to drive me crazy. I'm not sure what it is.

It seems to be the beginnings of something. I'm a little worried, so I've been keeping my guard up. I can ruin people. I can ruin people and ruin great things, so I need to not let myself lose it. Most of all, I can't allow anything to ruin me. Not again.

Because I know she's trying to drive me crazy. It's the heart flutters I get when she says something cute or sweet, when she recites a medicinal pattern she'd been rehearsing in her head - her photographic memory allows her to harbor pages of medical context. It's the way she touches me, her fingertips lightly tracing my exposed skin, tickling me, teasing me. It's the way she whimpers or husks in my ear, pressing herself closer to me - looking me straight in the eyes. Looking for something beyond just what I show her.

Ever since I let her touch me, she's been tugging at my arm, pulling me her way. Literally. But I also find myself watching her. Watching her too often, it seemed.

Meredith thought I'd been messing around that day. I don't know what made me convince her otherwise. I don't know what made me convince myself otherwise.

Alex, too. Though I'd talked him down and I couldn't help but feel my heart race at the way Lexie had looked at me while I'd done it. I felt like her heroine, and it made me feel a little weird. Alex had awkwardly been standing there while Lexie covered herself with a single sheet. And I'd walked back in while he'd been yelling at her. So I yelled at him.

Because no one ever knows anything. All we do is make presumptions.

And I didn't know what I was doing, because Lexie distracted me with those wide, brown eyes.

And now she was scoring surgeries in different departments. And this week, she was on Plastics. Mark had been getting amazing surgeries (with the right consults, of course), and I had to work with him on the next one.

I didn't mind much, though - I'd had surgeries with him after Callie and I were truly finished, after I'd left her in that elevator. We didn't talk about anything besides the surgery. I can't say I resented him, but I just didn't care for his presence. It's not as if he had completely thwarted my plans - it takes two to make a baby, after all. I think about them and my mind turns into a mess, so I try not to. Instead, I think about Lexie and my mind is still a mess - but a good one. A hot mess.

This time the surgery would be different, though. Because Lexie was on Mark's service and we were operating together and it'd be Lexie and Mark and me.

"Tell your girlfriend to stop hogging all the awesome surgeries," Karev demanded, slapping his palm against the counter of the Nurses' station for emphasis.

"She's not my girlfriend, Karev," I retorted, filling out the chart in front of me. I had spaced out for a moment, so I was a little grateful when he came to badger me, though he could be so obnoxious at times.

"But you're-"

"Mind your own business."

"Tell her-"

"Grey is not my girlfriend, Karev. Tell her yourself," I insisted, looking at him. He arched his eyebrow in disbelief and it ticked me off a little, so I turned to leave.

But I thought for a moment and paused: wasn't she once his girlfriend?

I turned to him as he was about to leave.

"You're not on my service next week."

"What, why?"

And then I turned around to leave and left him standing there.

After having my lunch, I headed back to the Nurses' station to go over a few more things before prepping for surgery. And I saw Mark and Lexie standing side-by-side and laughing.

I covertly approached them and grabbed the documents I was looking for. I couldn't help but overhear the two talking.

"I don't think it's red," he told her.

"It's definitely red," she retorted.

"You're colorblind," he teased.

"Shut up," she told him and chuckled.

I felt my heart drop for a moment. Well, they got along fine.

Mark still watched Lexie and I knew it, but she didn't. When I watched her, I would catch him watching her too. Then he'd meet my gaze and abruptly look away, as if guilty of something. I'm sure he still felt bad about me and Callie, or maybe him and Lexie. Or maybe all the crap between the four of us, but he didn't know about Lexie and I. Neither did Callie. I'm sure if they did, their guilt would vanish. But it wasn't about them right now. The stuff between Lexie and I were just between Lexie and I.

But then I saw her laugh with him and I thought that maybe I was just being presumptuous. And I didn't want to be, because I hated that.

"You look great today, Lex," he told her, and then I turned to leave.

She found me in the same on-call room she found me in the day after the bar. I'd been on the same bottom bunk, scratching the same chipping wood that was on the bottom of the top bed.

It'd been a long time since then, I thought. But she wasn't standing there, awkwardly shifting her feet in that habitual manner like she had done that day. Instead, she got on the bed and crawled on top of me and tried to look into my eyes so that I would kiss her. But my arm was still stretched out, scratching that same stubborn piece of wood.

"Arizona?" she asked me, and then grabbed my cheeks and made me look at her.

"Your sister confronted me," I heard myself saying. I didn't want her to peruse me with those wide, brown eyes, so I decided to distract her as best as I could. I felt annoyed, I don't know why.

"What? When?"

"A while ago," I confessed.

"Today?"

"Before Alex."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"It wasn't important."

She watched me in disbelief, "What did she say?"

"Not much," I told her, plainly.

"Arizona."

"What?"

And she just watched me, her expression changing momentarily. She seemed as though she didn't want to kiss me anymore, so she got off of me and sat up on the bed and checked her watch.

"Almost time," she said.

"Mark is going to have the OR prepared soon, I guess I'll go and-"

"Of course. Go on," I told her.

"What?" she turned to look at me. I started to chip off the wood harder with my fingernail. It was starting to hurt the tip of my finger.

Then I looked at her.

"He's always looking at you," I insisted. She only looked at me with a hint of confusion written on her face. I couldn't tell if it was hopeful confusion, and that gave me quite an unsettling feeling.

"He is?" she asked me. I glared at her. I must have, because she looked worried, as if she had offended me.

"You don't notice?"

"No. Well, I did today," she told me, simply.

She was so nonchalant about it and it frustrated me a little.

"Of course you noticed today. He kept trying to flirt with you," I grumbled.

Her eyes widened for a moment, and then I could see the hope written on her face, and it made me want to leave so I sat up.

"Are you jealous?" she asked me.

I felt my heart leap. Jealous?

"No, I'm not jealous," I spat. I shouldn't be.

"Arizona."

"Let's go," I grumbled, but before I could leave she grabbed my arm and pulled me back on the bed.

She crawled on top of me again.

"You're not?" she asked me. She looked at me, adamant on getting a reaction.

"No," I told her, laying flat on the bed as she straddled my hips.

"Okay," she told me. She smiled at me and then leaned down to kiss me. I opened my mouth so that she'd slide her tongue in, but she didn't do that. She pulled back each time I tried to deepen the kiss and it it was incredibly frustrating.

I grabbed her face and pulled her into me and she finally let me in.

She was stripping off her own clothes on top of me - each article of clothing discarded made my heart thump harder and then she leaned over and kissed me again. Her lips were on mine and I couldn't get enough.

It was hard for her to take my own clothes off, because she pushed me back against the bed so harshly, her pelvis grinding down on mine. I thought that maybe she'd hit her head on the wood that signified the bottom of the top bunk bed, but she kept herself hunched over me.

As she slipped off my pants (her lips still on mine), I pulled away to kiss her chest, leaving teeth marks - something I hadn't done before. It was an incredibly impulsive gesture, but when she's like this - when it's just her in front of me, when we share these moments that are just between us, I wanted to leave marks on her.

She moaned then, and then slipped off my underwear and slipped her fingers down to cup my center. I was incredibly wet and I guess she thought so too because she inhaled a sharp breath and her eyes grew darker. She pulled her own panties off and positioned herself so that her center was just above my own.

And then I felt her clit rub hotly against my own and her wetness rub against my own and then I felt that sensation. The sensation that was just her - everything was Lexie again.

She gasped into my ear, forming broken words - already seemingly tired. I flipped her around so that I was now on top and pulled her leg up and pushed myself against her harder, so that I could feel her closer, so that I could rub more firmly and watch as she writhed under me.

She finally came, and I felt her center quiver against my own and the sensations were so strong that I felt myself coming, as well. I fell lightly on top of her and she flipped us over so that she could look into my eyes again. She looked tired and tried to catch her breath.

"So you're not jealous?" she asked me.

"Not at all."

 


	12. Chapter 12

I was kissing her very teasingly because I wanted to feel her against me. When I kissed her with such taunting force, she'd get upset, pulling me closer to her, and pulling my body in so I could press my bare chest against hers.

So I loved to do it, I loved to pull away from her, and to have her outstretched arms pull me right back to her. She'd cling at my shoulders and my hair. She'd scrape my back, her nails running down the bare skin, driving my libido insane.

She'd gotten sick of it quickly, and pushed my shoulders back. She'd catch me then, because I'd be surprised for a moment, and then she would flip me over on her bed and straddle my hips and lean down and kiss me hard.

I would give in to her touches like an affliction. I must have been afflicted in these moments when she'd touch me so eagerly, so full of want. We'd ended late this evening. She'd been in late on Bailey's surgery, so I'd waited around for her. I really wanted to see her tonight, so I scampered the halls on my heely's, checking on my patients occasionally.

And she'd finally gotten out and then told me that Meredith was still in the OR with Shepherd and that Avery, Kepner, and Alex (and whoever else she lived with, that house was always full of people) were at Joe's. So she suggested that I should come over night.

And I did and now her fingers were inside of me, softly thrusting, while her mouth was on mine. I slipped my hand between her legs as well, surprised at how wet she'd been. She was soft and moist against my hand, and her walls clutched my fingers almost immediately when I slipped into her. She was so tired when she'd gotten out of surgery, but you couldn't tell with the way she'd been thrusting her hips against me. She came faster than I did, and her soft thrusts inside of me suddenly became firm and eager and I came at once.

I seemed to become lost in her - in her moans, in the way she held me, in the way her lips felt against mine.

She was moaning very loudly and I could hear it echo throughout her small room in the attic. The sound was amazing.

After she came, she slumped over on top of me and I flipped her over so that she could lay on her back. She seemed to get tired very easily, I thought - and with the late hours, she fell asleep almost immediately.

I laughed and watched her as she slept, she seemed so content. I at once had the impulse to stay, but I decided against it. I never wanted to stay the night, I didn't want to put that kind of dependence on her. She always stayed the night in my hotel room if it'd been too late to go home. She was always so tired afterwards and I would worry about her if she'd gone home after that.

I kissed her very lightly and received a sigh in return. It was a very contented sigh and it made me want to kiss her again, but I didn't want to wake her up.

I gathered my clothes and quickly put them on while I watched Lexie the entire time, making sure that I wouldn't wake her up. Then I pulled the light switch and opened the door and headed down the stairs.

As I headed down the staircase, I saw Meredith in the living room, and my heart leaped. I felt like a teenager getting caught. I thought she'd been in surgery with Shepherd.

"Arizona," she said.

"Hi, Meredith," I told her.

I'd come over before and I'm sure she knew (as I'd always left my shoes near the door), but I never really ran into her. She'd been sitting there on the couch, and she seemed to be waiting for me.

"Lexie was moaning," she told me.

I felt my cheeks start to heat up. I knew she was loud, but I didn't think much of it. She was never that loud when she knew that people were around. She'd muffle the sounds with a pillow or my mouth or clench her teeth. The sex wasn't discreet anymore, it was full of want and desire ever since. So she was louder.

"Uh, that was-" I started to say.

"I had a feeling. She seemed so happy lately. I thought it was because you two were friends. I really thought she had a guy over when I heard her moan, but then I remembered seeing your shoes near the door," she said.

"Yeah," I said, lamely.

"So then I figured that you were the one making her moan like that. And it makes sense. All of it," she finished.

"Yeah," I had no idea what to say.

"Arizona," she said.

"Yeah?"

"Lay off my sister, seriously."

I stood there and watched her, a little baffled. And I found myself surprised at my own words.

"Why?" I asked.

She looked surprised for a moment, but then quickly grew angry.

"Because Lexie is just trying to get over Mark. And you're just trying to get over Callie. Lexie's had enough heartbreaks, Arizona. Stop messing around-"

"I'm not messing around," I declared.

She watched me and I watched her back, unsure of what to say. I wasn't messing around, that was true. But she wasn't my girlfriend. She was ... I don't know what she was.

"Okay.. it's none of my business, anyway," she told me, getting up from the couch.

I stood there for a moment as she went up the stairs. I went to put on my shoes and stared blankly at the door before leaving.

I hadn't told Lexie about what had happened, even though I came over a few nights after that.

I didn't want to think about what she was, what _this_ was - because it was just the two of us. Meredith knew, but she hadn't made anything clear, she hadn't been against it - she hadn't said anything, really.

But I couldn't help but think of it when I pulled her into an on-call room, stripping her clothes off to feel her. I couldn't help but think about it even when I saw her standing there, talking to one of her peers, laughing and making those delightful expressions that I'd become so fondly accustomed to seeing.

She was talking to Alex when I came up from behind and whispered in her ear. I thought he hadn't noticed and so I went into an on-call room and waited for her. And as soon as she came, we stripped each other naked and I reacquainted myself with her familiar taste - something I'd missed so often, even though I'd had it so often, just as well.

She was naked and gasping and writhing on the bed, and she felt so good against my mouth and tongue - I heard her almost yell out in frustration when my pager beeped.

Bailey. It wasn't a 911. But for her, everything was a 911. I'd forgotten to give her some important consultation, so I told Lexie to wait for me and I'd be back.

It was only 5 minutes. And it was nearing lunch time, so the halls were pretty vacant. A slow day, and as I approached that on-call room again, I heard muffled voices. It grew louder when I opened the door to slip inside.

"You're fucking my boss!" I heard, shutting the door behind me.

I saw Lexie on the bed, holding a sheet and covering her chest, her face red and almost embarrassed. And I saw Alex as I entered, his back turned to me.

"Karev."

He turned around, his anger now directed towards me.

"What the hell, Robbins?" he asked me.

"Is this why she's getting the better surgeries? Is this why she's always on your service? Seriously? I'm one-upped because she's fucking my boss?"

It was infuriating, I almost felt the urge to slap him.

"No, Karev. She gets the better surgeries because she's showing her talent for them. She's not always on my service, Karev. She's a talented surgeon and Paeds is obviously one of her strong points. _This_ has nothing to do with her surgical skills," I explained, resisting the urge to knock him over. He was always so outspoken, I thought.

"She shows just as much promise as you do. If you check the schedules, you'll see that the two of you are constantly alternated."

He seemed to take it all in, his bewilderment becoming less apparent. Karev often let his emotions overtake him, but he was also very understanding and empathetic. He absorbed what I had to say, though he didn't seem pleased with the situation.

"So you're fucking to get over them? Nice," he joked, still bitter, I supposed.

I saw Lexie flinch, her shoulders slumped. She seemed angry, too - but it seemed the words hit her more.

"No, you idiot. It's not about them. Lexie is Lexie. Get the hell out of here," I told him.

"Sorry," he grumbled, I'm sure it was genuine. He passed right by me and shut the door behind him.

I watched her from the door and she watched me back, her brown eyes wide. I think she wanted to laugh, or smile, or something. She had that contented expression on her face and it took a lot for me to not rip that sheet off of her.

"Lexie is Lexie?" she asked me.

"Shut up, Grey."

 


	13. Chapter 13

"I don't know what color to choose," she told me, her eyes locked on her phone. She seemed very concentrated on what she was doing, and I watched in amusement as she continued to eye her phone with an exaggerated intensity.

I took a sip of my coffee and soon realized that I'd lost her to the small mobile device in her hand. I placed the coffee back down on the table and tapped my fingertips lightly. I let out a heavy sigh in hopes that she might have heard me and immediately snap out of her technological daze, but it was to no avail.

"Arizona, what color should I choose?" she suddenly asked me, her eyes never shifting from her cellphone.

I said nothing but waited and watched her, and as I thought, it seemed to only be a passing remark - she'd quickly forgotten that she ever said something in the first place. I rolled my eyes.

"Are you ever going to pick a color?" I asked her. She seemed to hear me now.

"I am, but there are so many choices and designs!" she exclaimed.

"Lexie. Just buy new shoes."

"But I don't know what to get!"

"How about I just buy some for you and it'll be a surprise?" I suggested, but she only ignored me and continued to browse through her phone. I thought it would make her happy, but I guess not. Maybe she didn't hear me.

I eyed the sandwich and fries she'd bought for lunch - it sat on the table in front of her, untouched. She always becomes so wrapped up in what she does and she forgets everything around her, even her own well-being.

I found myself smiling because I recalled that she would also do that when we would have sex. I'd go over, or she'd arrive at my hotel room and be dreadfully tired after a very long shift or surgery, seemingly ready to pass out, but as soon as I'd kiss her, her energy would immediately come back to her until she came or made me come - then she'd pass out on top of me as if someone had took the batteries right out of her.

I tapped my fingers on the table and continued to watch her. I was a little annoyed that she was doing this though she was the one who had asked me to lunch.

"Lexie?" I asked.

She continued to stare at her phone.

"Lexie!" I exclaimed, and she finally looked up at me, confused and surprised at my raised voice.

"What?" she asked me.

"Eat," I told her, but her pager sounded off and she was gone before having the chance to eat or telling me what shoes she'd chosen.

I thought of saving the food for her, but a chicken sandwich smothered with mayonnaise and a side of fries didn't seem to be a healthy choice and so I'd given it to Alex and headed back to the Paeds department, a little annoyed at how my lunch hour went.

I hadn't seen her for most of the day and it was bothering me a little. Because though I wouldn't see her for most of the day, we'd at least have a conversation in the morning, or she'd come to me during her breaks or during our lunch hours.

"Torres is looking for you," Alex told me, as I walked down the hall to head to the supply closet for some supplies.

"Why?" I asked him, checking my phone to see if Lexie had texted me. Nothing.

"Dude, I don't know. Probably some crap about the apartment again. Seriously, move out if you're not going to try and get her back," he told me.

"Shut up, Karev," I grumbled. That had been in the back of my mind and it was something I didn't want to think about right now. Though I'd been wearing the same sets of clothes for a while (plus purchasing new ones), I'd been quite satisfied by where I was right now. But I suppose the hotel was getting a little expensive, along with paying the rent for Callie's place. I needed to budget myself despite my decent salary.

"Tell Callie I'll wait for her after her surgery is finished," I told him, and headed into the supply closet.

There, I saw Lexie browsing the shelves, attempting to fetch something from the one on top.

"Too short, Grey? Try jumping," I joked, and she seemed at once surprised and delighted to see me.

"I'm not going to jump," she grumbled, climbing onto the bottom shelf (something a doctor shouldn't be doing), and balancing herself on the tip of her toes. She looked so amusing that I couldn't help but covertly approach her from behind.

"You almost got it," I told her, but she was startled by my voice and lost her balance and fell back into me as I caught her with my arms. She let out a little yelp as I tightened my grip around her waist.

"God, Arizona," she grumbled.

"You scared me."

" _You_ scared _me_ ," I whispered into her ear, brushing her hair back. She became stiff in my embrace, but quickly relaxed. I inched my hand into her scrub shirt and into her bra to feel her left breast.

I felt her heart racing against my hand - beating wildly, and I suddenly felt my own starting to speed up, more than it already had when she'd fallen backwards.

"Oh, wow. I really did scare you," I whispered, and lightly traced my tongue around her earlobe. I gently sucked it into my mouth before biting down lightly. I felt her tremble in my arms.

"Let go," she murmured, but her voice told me that she really didn't want me to let go. I had her where I'd wanted her (all day, I thought now) and I didn't want to let her go.

"Did you pick out some shoes?" I asked her, and fingered the waist band of her pants. She started to shiver in my embrace, and I loosened my grip as she reached out one of her arms from behind her to wrap around my neck.

"Not yet," she whispered, as I slipped my hand into her scrub pants and into her underwear.

"Oh," I said, and she caught my lips. She kissed me lightly and gasped against my lips as I slipped two fingers into her, gently thrusting against her upper walls. She loosened my neck with her arm and instead brought that hand down to my own pants and slipped her hand into my underwear.

"Wow, you're really wet," she whispered against my lips. She started to softly thrust inside of me and I wanted to tell her that she was the cause of my wetness but instead I heard a loud gasp that came from neither of us and looked towards the open door of the supply closet and saw Callie standing there, her eyes wide in shock.

The pain of the past always hits us hard sometimes.

That wasn't how I wanted her to find out.

She stood there for only a moment and then quickly vanished, and before I knew it, I was following her departing figure out of the supply closet, my mind in complete disarray.

"Callie. Callie, wait," I called out.

God, that wasn't how I wanted her to find out.

I heard her grumble under her breath and I saw the faces around, watching us with amusement. I felt my heart racing and my head pounding.

With my mind in disorder, I had instinctively followed after her, watching her expression fall - and as I ran out to chase after her, I remembered leaving Lexie there.

"Wow, Arizona. Just _wow_!" she spat, pacing down the hallway.

And she suddenly stopped and turned to me. She eyed me for a moment, her brown eyes wide and glossy.

"Is this your idea of revenge?" she asked me, suddenly.

"What?"

"Little Grey? Really? Getting back at us with Lexie?"

"I'm not getting back at you," I retorted.

Why would I want to get back at her? We were done, she was getting what she wanted and that was fine. I was just doing what I wanted.

That wasn't how I wanted her to find out.

Doctors, patients, and people alike were watching the scene before them and amidst the commotion, Mark had noticed, quickly rushing over to Callie's side.

"Cal, what-" he started to say, but Callie dismissed him and stared straight at me, her eyes were furious.

"You're not getting back at us? This isn't revenge?" she asked me, mockingly. She was hurt, I could hear the tremors in her voice, the cracking at the throat. She was livid, I thought.

"You're fucking Lexie Grey!"

Her shout echoed through the halls and it felt as if time had stopped for a moment - as if she'd outed me. People had already known, but I couldn't help but feel furious - not for myself, but for Lexie.

Using Lexie to get back at them? Is that really what she thought I was doing? What the hell did she know, anyway? Why did Meredith and Alex and Callie have all of these presumptions - they had no idea of anything. They didn't know the way that Lexie makes me feel, the way she smiles and laughs and makes everything a little better.

"Yeah," I spat.

"Yeah, I'm _'fucking'_ Lexie Grey," I echoed, with a mocking tone - more bitter than hers.

"What the hell is it to you? You don't know anything, Callie. You don't get it." I watched Mark as he watched me in disbelief and then he looked away and shifted his gaze down the hallway, shock and confusion evident on his face.

"Neither of you get it," I hissed.

Callie only watched me for a moment and I saw her expression fall - as if she'd considered my words.

I followed Mark's line of sight as Callie furiously turned to leave. And I saw Lexie watching the scene from down the hall, watching Mark momentarily as he stared back at her. And then she looked at me for a moment - and for once I couldn't tell what she'd been feeling, but she briefly watched me and then turned around and left.

I fucked up, I thought - watching her turn to leave.

"You need to get your stuff out of her apartment," Mark told me, and he turned to leave and follow Callie to wherever she had run off to.

Lexie hadn't responded to my texts, I even called her and she hadn't picked up. I always thought calls had been too intimate, but even then, I called her once more and twice. I looked around for her after my last surgery, but she had already left and I didn't want to go to Meredith's house.

The next day, I felt the icy cold stare of Callie as she told me once more to get my stuff out of her apartment. I checked some listings posted on the hospital's boards, but they weren't that great.

I saw Lexie, and she'd been avoiding me. She wasn't on any surgeries today, and I wondered why. I'm sure she was deliberately avoiding me and it drove me a little crazy. She'd always been so outspoken, she'd always tell me (for the most part) what she'd been feeling, but now she chose to avoid me and it was eating away at me.

I watched as she scampered the halls, carrying old journals around with her. I watched her all day, it seemed, from down the hall or in the lunch room. She hadn't been eating, her eyes were glued to those journals.

I needed to fix this. That wasn't how I wanted Callie to find out, but she found out. But now Lexie was hurt and upset and it was my fault because I just left her there and ran out and tried to burden everything on myself.

She disappeared down the hall again and I felt my heart drop.

I looked over at the hospital's bulletin boards for listings again. I needed to get an apartment.

But first, I needed to find Lexie.

 


	14. Chapter 14

The day that Callie and Mark got married, Lexie came down with a terrible fever. I hadn't been invited, and neither had Lexie - and I'm sure even with an invitation, we wouldn't have gone, anyway.

I don't think I've ever met someone who has gotten as delusional as Lexie when they're sick.

I'd known she was sick because the doorman at the lobby of my apartment complex had told me that the girl who had always come over had fallen on the stairs in a daze. He was going to call the ambulance but then remembered that I was a doctor.

I told him it was okay, that she was just burning up, and she clung to my neck as I helped her up and onto the elevator.

"Are you sick? Lexie?" I asked her, feeling her forehead. She felt incredibly hot and I felt the back of my neck burn from contact with her heated skin.

"A little," she murmured. Her eyes were glossy, as if she had just woken up.

"I just.. wanted to see you because I thought you were sad. And no one's home because everyone's at the wedding and I guess I just wanted to come see you. But I'm sick, so I should probably just leave," she explained, letting go of her hold on my neck. She stumbled back a bit from the loss of balance before hitting the button for the lobby and leaning onto the wall.

"No, you're way too sick to go home," I told her. I grabbed her shoulders so I could steady her and she acquiesced, gently leaning into me just as we got off and onto my floor.

I made sure she didn't topple over as I opened the door to my apartment and led her inside. She seemed to be in a complete daze and she looked rather disheveled. Her hair was tied in a loose, messy ponytail and she was wearing some old, oversized sweat pants that seemed like it would fall from her waist as she moved.

I led her to my bedroom and sat her down. She groaned as I felt her forehead again, then I leaned over her to loosen her ponytail.

"You smell good," she murmured, and wrapped her arms around my neck as I took off her hairband. She seemed so fragile and delicate, and clung to me as if I were her only life line. Her skin felt so hot against mine and I couldn't help want to take care of her.

I gently pulled myself from her embrace and stripped off her clothing piece by piece. She held her arms up as I took off her shirt - she was already sweating and her pale skin seemed to be glowing. There was a deep impression of blush on the white of her skin and I could see the fading teeth marks that I had left a few days earlier. I gently traced them with my finger and watched as she watched me with hazy eyes.

"I don't feel good," she murmured. I laughed and brushed her hair back and then bent down to unlace her old, beaten canvas shoes. The laces were gnawed as if by a dog's teeth (how old were these shoes?) and there had seemed to be rips all along the ridges of the shoes. I took them off and rolled my eyes at her mismatched socks. She really was in a daze, I thought, finally slipping off her sweatpants.

"Why are you taking off my clothes?" she asked me.

"So I can wipe your body and put you to bed," I told her.

"Oh," she murmured, and laid down as I left to fetch a wet cloth.

When I came back in, she was staring at my ceiling, lost in her own thoughts and twirling a strand of her long, brown hair.

"Lexie," I said.

She looked at me and smiled, though it seemed to a kind of a sad smile.

"Sorry," she said, as I started to wipe her back.

"For what?"

"This," she said, her shoulders slumping.

"That's okay," I told her, and kissed her temple before wiping the rest of her body. It wasn't a lustful gesture, what I'd been doing. Her body seemed so weak and tired and it was only an instinctive feeling to want to revitalize her weakened state.

I grabbed a sleeveless shirt and a pair of shorts from my drawer and had her put them on before laying her on my bed and covering her with my sheets.

"Everything smells like you," she murmured, as I sat next to her on the bed and brushed her hair back.

"I like it," she said.

"Mhm," I murmured, and took up a glass of water. She took a sip and then laid back down as I ran my fingers through her hair in silence.

"Mmm, Arizona.." she whined, grabbing onto my arm.

"Okay, okay.." I cooed, brushing the damp hair away from her sweaty forehead.

"I like you, you know.." she mumbled, clutching my arm and closing her eyes.

"I know you do," I told her, wiping the sweat from her forehead.

"I like you!" she yelled.

"I know, Lexie. I like you too."

"Do you really?"

"I do."

"Okay," she murmured, letting go of my arm.

It seemed as though she was finally going to sleep, but instead, she kicked off the sheets from her legs and groaned.

"I can't believe I called you my solace," she suddenly said, covering her eyes with her hands. That was quite some time ago and it made me raise an eyebrow, the way she suddenly decided to reflect on it. She looked embarrassed, and it was undeniably cute, but I reached out and pulled her hands away from her eyes.

She opened them and looked at me, her eyes were glazed and glossy - almost glowing, they looked beautiful. They were the kind of dark, misty eyes you could find yourself getting lost in.

But I couldn't get lost in her eyes right now.

"Stop. Go to sleep," I told her.

"'You're my solace,' how lame," she continued.

"Lexie," I groaned. Why was she like this? It seemed more like she was drunk rather than sick.

She stopped talking for a while and closed her eyes. I knew she'd been contemplating about something and I waited until she finally spoke again.

"Arizona.."

"Hmm?"

"We can't have sex."

"I know."

"But I'm here, in your apartment."

"Yeah."

"And I'm sick. So we can't have sex."

"Yeah," I agreed again. Where was she getting at?

"Why?" she asked me.

"Because you're sick," I told her.

"And if I wasn't?"

I thought it over and gave her the answer I suspected she wanted, "Then we'd have sex."

But she suddenly got up and pulled the sheets off of her and stumbled out of the bed.

"What are you doing?" I asked her, standing up and grabbing hold of her as she picked off her discarded sweatpants from off the floor.

"I'm just bothering you," she told me. She stumbled again and almost fell and I stood up and pulled her back to the bed. Due to her weak state, she didn't resist and fell onto the bed again.

She laid down and covered herself with the sheets, burying her head into the pillow.

"I'm only here because we're not at the wedding and everyone else is so no one else can take care of me, right? So I came to you and now I'm bothering you and we can't even have sex," she explained.

She thought she was a bother. She came looking for me. But she hadn't known that I'd been wondering what she had been doing, as well. She had no idea that I was going to call her just before the doorman had informed me that she was here.

She didn't know how my heart dropped when he told me that she'd fallen on the stairs.

"I don't care about that. I'm glad you came," I told her.

I pulled the sheet off of her head and leaned into the pillow and pulled her face to mine.

"I'm glad you came, so please stay here and go to sleep."

"Really?"

"Really."

"I'll make you some soup. Or I'll buy some, whatever you want. You can stay here for a few days," I continued. She smiled at me and watched me and then closed her eyes and clutched the pillow.

I stood up and took up her discarded clothes and shoes from off the floor and neatly piled them near the bed.

"And when you're better, we'll go buy some shoes," I told her.

"What about sex?" she asked me.

"Shut up, Lexie."

She laughed into my pillow and then stuck her head out from the sheets to watch me.

"Arizona?"

"Hmm?"

"Please don't cook."

 


	15. Chapter 15

She was kissing me soft and slow - and as if in sync, her tongue in my mouth was ever attentive to where her hands were on my body. As her tongue would delve in deeper and brush against my own, her fingers would instinctively move to the places on my body that had sent me on edge - the places that made me shiver and tremble for her.

I wanted to gasp out, to tell her I wanted more of her, to tell her that I wanted to be even closer, but her tongue stole my words - and my words stammered off to moans as I melted into her touch, and I couldn't find the words I wanted to say.

She'd been teasing me for a while, being slow, kissing me in a passionate, luxurious fashion while her fingers traced my slit, circling around my entrance, slipping in ever so slightly, only to slip back and massage my clit.

She slipped her tongue out of my mouth and moved to my neck to place kisses and bite the skin with her teeth and I couldn't help but groan at the way she'd been making me feel. I was trembling even moreso now, and I just wanted to feel her inside of me.

"Arizona," I whined.

She didn't say anything, but continued to lick and bite my neck, kissing back up to my jaw and capturing my lips again.

"Arizona," I whispered against her lips.

She slipped into me again and thrusted hard before stilling her fingers and swirling them around inside of me.

"Lexie," she whispered back, and kissed me again.

She wrapped my leg around her waist and hovered over me, thrusting slow and hard, then pausing to watch me as I moaned loudly, then she repeated her actions - I realized then that she'd been doing this to get intensified reactions out of me, and she was succeeding, but driving me insane.

"God, Arizona," I gasped, feeling myself tight around her fingers. She felt my walls begin to contract, and so she slipped her fingers out of me and kissed me again. I groaned against her lips. I had no idea why she'd been teasing me so much. She'd always watch my face when she teased me.

It's one of the reasons why I can't get those blue eyes out of my head.

When they watched me, I felt my heart rise and I could swear that it would just beat right out of my chest - it was the way her eyes looked at me when I gasped out her name.

It'd been a little over a week since she'd gone back to Africa for her "once a week, every three months" routine. I'd hung around her apartment then - lonely without her. As she came back, she couldn't keep her hands off of me and I was glad for it, because I couldn't either.

I don't think there's a room in this apartment that we haven't had sex in. She even pushed me in the closet at one point - when I was bending over to fix the mess of shoes (she has quite a variety) that were piled on the floor.

Even so, I don't think it's just the sex that sends me soaring - especially when Arizona runs her fingers through my hair (something of a habit) or washes my back as we shower together. I don't know if it's the morning conversations we have over a cup of coffee or her sweet dimpled smile when she shows me updates and pictures of children she'd saved so long ago.

I don't know what it is that sends my heart racing - I can't figure it out and I think I don't want to.

She finally slipped back inside of me and thrusted fast and hard, allowing me to come. She told me to moan because she wanted to hear me, and so I did just that and moaned her name loudly - blindly, as if it were innate. And I came and felt my walls tighten against her fingers as she stilled them inside of me. She gently swirled them around as I came down from my orgasm and slipped them out of me and into her mouth.

I smiled at her, rather sleepily, and she sensed that and quickly grabbed my cheeks.

"No, don't fall asleep," she told me. She was still hovering over me and I could see that the bright light overhead cast a radiant glow on her features. I smiled and closed my eyes, attempting to imprint the embellished image of her figure into my mind's eye.

"Lexie," she whined, and I opened my eyes again as she leaned down to kiss me. I felt tired, but then she kissed down to my chest, and grazed her fingertips over my nipples and then kissed down again and swirled her tongue into my navel. Her mouth finally reached down to my center and I was lost again in her sensual touches.

The next morning, we had coffee and discussed a book she'd been reading during her free time in Africa. She'd read many of them on the plane ride and back, and she spoke enthusiastically about her patients and the like. I was interested - I finally was getting to know a world I hadn't before - things about Arizona, things that interested her - the kinds of books she read, the things she liked, the people that inspired her.

She was so career driven and it only inspired me to become more than what I am right now. She'd become a driving force in my life and I felt that sensation in my chest again, that rapid wave that was exclusive to the way Arizona had made me feel.

I was on her service again this week, and it excited me because I could finally learn from her again. Not that I hadn't in moments outside of the hospital, but to watch her operate was another matter.

But then we were paged and I'd wished that I wasn't on her service this week. Because Callie was having her baby prematurely and there were complications. Callie and Mark had requested Arizona and had the best obstetrician (Alex's girlfriend, Lucy), as well.

And I was panicking, and I thought that maybe Arizona felt the same, but she kept a surprisingly calm air around her as she operated on the baby girl.

"Calm down, Lexie," she reassured me.

I know Mark stared down from the viewing window - praying for Arizona's success. Callie had been fine, but I saw her clutch Arizona's hand before they had anesthetized her. They hadn't exchanged much words, but she'd asked her "Please," and Arizona nodded and smiled warmly at her through the surgical mask she had on.

I felt the heart tremors then, and that's when I realized what I'd been feeling. But I dismissed it and operated on Callie and Mark's baby girl with Arizona, and it turned out to be nothing at all - because she was just fine.

And suddenly, everything was fine. Arizona had gone with her afterwards and I headed to the Resident's lounge by myself, my nerves felt out of control. I saw Meredith as I entered, and I sat down just behind her, feeling and watching my hands shake.

"I want Arizona," I admitted to her back.

Meredith turned around, but didn't look at me, she was staring at her phone.

"Stop thinking with your vagina, Lexie," my sister told me, and she scowled, shaking her head at me.

She was right in some regard.

I'd always done that. I tried to get over Mark in the most ridiculous manner, bleaching my hair blonde and sleeping with Alex. It was compensation in a sense. It was mutual, he was doing it and so was I. And I guess the same could be said for Arizona and I.

Yet, when I thought of her, it didn't seem that way.

"Oh god," I laughed, or cried, or something. I'm not sure. The sound almost came out like a croak, a truly terrifying sound that even Mer flinched a little. She looked down at me, finally.

"Lexie?" she asked, taking a seat next to me and putting a hand on my shoulder.

"Oh god," I cried, feeling the tears trickle down my face.

"What? What?" she asked, watching as I shielded my face.

"Arizona.. she-" I murmured, I didn't want to admit it.

"What did she do?" Meredith asked, clearly concerned.

"I'm in love with her, Mer. I'm in love with her and I know she doesn't feel the same," I admitted. I didn't want to admit it, but I did and now that I had, it seemed at once to be a relief, yet a wave of realization that burned inside my chest. My heart was soaring, but I felt as though it was going to drop and crash and burn.

I should have realized it that week she left for Africa and came back.

"How do you know that? She seems to like you a lot, Lexie. She's not giving it up, she's still-"

"I'm not Callie," I told her.

"I'm not Callie, that's how I know," I said again.

"She's not Mark, either."

"I know that," I groaned. That was separate, that was entirely different.

"It's.. different."

"Are you sure? Are you sure you're not just using her to get over Mark? You did with Alex-" she started to say. But I stopped her at once. Because I knew it was different. I knew it was real, she made me feel so real.

"I think-" I started to say.

"I think we love everyone differently. I think that there are different levels of love depending on who it is. I think I loved Mark differently. Maybe he was my soul mate. I loved him, but I don't think I'm in love with him. He doesn't pull at me anymore, he doesn't try to pull me back to him. But Arizona does, that's what she does. She pulls at me, she pulls at my heart, and she- she just makes me love her and I don't even know why."

I could feel Meredith watching me, absorbing what I had said as I continued to stare at the floor, the realization eating at me almost painfully.

"And it's different, the way I love her. I think about her even when I don't want to. I'm sure I could get over her if she wasn't there, if she didn't pull at me constantly. But she does and I can't help but be pulled in because she's so... real," I finished, covering my face with my hands.

"Then you love her," Meredith told me, wrapping an arm around me and pulling me close.

"I love her. I do. But I'm not Callie-"

"Yeah, you're not. And she's not Mark. But, Lexie. You said it yourself. Everyone loves differently, on different levels. Depending on the person. Maybe Arizona does the same thing. And maybe that's why she pulls at you."

She was right. But I don't know. I think love can't be aggregated, it just is or it isn't. Maybe in different ways. But, mutuality is what mattered for me.

And in the end, Arizona was different. This was a different thing and so, it should be approached differently. So I thought I could never tell her. She was unfeeling and never told me much. So I convinced myself. I don't even know why I loved her.

"I want to cook you dinner tonight," I told her, as we headed to check up on Callie and Mark and Sofia (they named the baby girl). It would just be that. Simple and clean and friendlike, the way she wanted it to be. And to my surprise, there was no hesitation in her answer.

"Sure. Come over tonight."

To like was enough. To love entailed a different scenario, a deepening of relations, something that implied a lot more investment. Liking her was enough. I could continue, though I had no idea of where I was going.

And Sofia was fine. Though newborns were fragile, Arizona claimed that all children (newborns alike) were resilient and she'd been fine if she was kept in a monitored crib by Callie's side. Callie and Mark were doctors and Arizona had made an exception, seeing as Stark had warmed up to her, realizing that maybe Arizona wasn't as incompetent as he initially thought her out to be.

"Congratulations. She's beautiful," Arizona told her, and I couldn't help but agree. She looked so beautiful - you could already see the resemblance of the child to her parents. How could one not be happy for them? I wondered what Arizona had thought. There was tension in the room, maybe there always would be.

Arizona turned to leave and I followed behind her.

"Arizona.." Callie called out to her and I saw as she paused momentarily, looking back at her with Sofia cradled in her arms.

"Hmm?"

"Thank you."

"Of course, Callie," Arizona smiled back.

And then Callie asked if Arizona could stay at the hospital tonight so they could talk, which surprised me and Mark and Arizona and even the person who suggested it.

A relapse. A pull, I thought. The tension exploded in my mind, I felt my heart starting to race and-

"Sorry. Not tonight. I have plans. Another time, definitely."

Callie looked surprised for a moment, but nodded her head as Arizona turned to leave.

"I'm exhausted," she told me, running her fingers through her hair.

"How about that dinner?" she asked.

We had Meredith drop us to her apartment (and I felt very uncomfortable with my sister eyeing me the entire time) and I quickly gathered the ingredients to make a special homemade pasta I'd always made for my parents.

She seemed pleased with the results, smiling at me as I pranced around the kitchen, gathering materials. She'd offered to help, but I declined, and I'm sure she knew at this point that I hadn't trust her with cooking. She often pouted when I refused to eat her food, though I'd eventually give in, cringing at the results (it was worse than Mer's).

We sat at the table and I watched as Arizona ate, reflecting over the strikingly busy day. I had questions to ask and things to say and it was just eating at me. I found myself uttering them.

"Callie asked you to stay," I told her.

"She did," she agreed.

"She was grateful and you turned her down."

"I did."

"She wanted to express her gratitude," I continued.

I realized it then, that maybe they could have made it work. Start over, really discuss. Because Callie, for just a moment, had pulled at her.

"You could have fixed things," I told her.

She watched me and then it seemed as if she realized it too, but dismissed the thought and took another bite of the pasta.

"That doesn't matter. Sofia's alive and safe, her family is happy. The tiny humans are what matter. You did great today, Lexie. Amazing," she told me, smiling widely - dimples beaming. It was so genuine, what she said was so real.

And she meant every word of it.

That's why I love her.

This is why I love her.

"I love you," I must have said out loud, because she instead of taking another bite of the food, she dropped her fork and looked up at me and watched me with her wide, blue eyes.

 


	16. Chapter 16

I don't quite understand this emptiness I feel.

Already, the months seemed to have passed so quickly. Arizona had gone to Africa for the week and I was staying in her apartment for the time she'd be gone. There was no reason to, really - but she'd suggested it and so I chose to do that.

Ever since I'd gotten sick, I'd stay in her apartment days at a time. I'd been burning up that day, and my head seemed to be in the clouds - but then I woke up to discover myself in Arizona's arms. I was pleasantly surprised, because I'd been drenched in sweat the whole night, and I supposed she'd just fallen asleep next to me, though I was sick.

I watched as her eyes fluttered open and she stared at me, asking me if I'd gotten better. It'd been many weeks since then and I'd been staying over often.

She'd gone back to Africa several times before and it didn't matter to me as much as it did now. Well, of course it mattered. But I was home then. Now I'm staying at her apartment without her and I couldn't help but feel the vacancy. Her absence left a heavy feeling in my heart.

Before, when she'd been jealous of Mark, she left bites all over my body. She did the same before leaving, until she finally insisted that she had to leave because it was almost time to check-in and she hadn't even left the apartment yet. She kissed me one last time before rushing out with her suitcase.

So I'd been moping around since then, cooking meals, buying groceries, doing my shifts at the hospital. Meredith noticed and tried to drag me back home, but the idea of an apartment and a big bed that smelled of Arizona trumped ever staying in that tiny attic.

I felt my phone vibrate. Checking the message, I saw it was from my sister.

_You need to leave that apartment._

I typed in a message to her - _No_ \- and put my phone back on the nightstand, dismissing it when it vibrated again. I'm not sure how the days passed so quickly, because it seemed to have been ages since I last saw her.

I took a shower just to have something to do, but all it did was remind me of the times that Arizona had pushed me against the wall of the shower. I couldn't get her out of my head - her smile, her laugh, the way she'd touch me.

I thought I must have just been sexually frustrated (which was ridiculous, because it had only been a week), I couldn't quite understand the emptiness I was feeling. And so I imagined Arizona and her naked body writhing under me and hovering over me, and anything really, and I slipped my hand between my legs and thought of her until I came once, and then twice.

And then I finally felt that drowsiness I'd often feel upon extensive pleasure.

I woke to feeling something dawdle on my back before pressing me against the soft bed I'd been laying on. I felt very dazed - half-asleep, almost. I felt that exhaustion one feels as they are woken from a deep sleep, confusion apparent amidst the surroundings before them. I hadn't remembered that I'd fallen asleep after coming; naked - my stomach flat on the bed with my legs spread and my hand between them. My face was turned to the side, resting on the pillow.

But then I heard that harmonic voice whisper "Lexie," into my ear and I felt her press her clothed front against my back, pushing me further into the bed. Her arm stole its way in the limited space between the bed and my stomach, and I felt her delicate fingers scurry along my abs. She couldn't move them well as I'd been pressed to the bed, so she settled for feeling along my very lightly toned abdomen.

I'd already been wet - I fell asleep as I came and I could have sworn I was having a sex dream filled with Arizona. But then I felt her other hand lightly trace down my back and then find its way between my legs. I could have sworn I was dreaming, but then she pressed her nose to my neck and whispered "Lexie" again and then traced her tongue just under my ear before slipping her fingers inside of me.

I let out a startled gasp that came out more like a whimper - it was a very throaty sound despite my position on the bed and I supposed that sound I made had excited her, because instead of sucking on my neck, she bit down and started breathing heavily against my ear, thrusting deeper. I couldn't move to buck my hips, I couldn't move at all. She had me pressed against the bed, under the control of her own movements. It was just Arizona pressed against me, just her fingertips as they lightly graze and dug into the skin of my stomach - it was just Arizona as I felt my upper walls clench around her as she delved deeper into me, her fingers curling upward. It was just "Arizona" I gasped, as she breathed hard against my neck, whispering _Lexie, Lexie_.

I gasped out and told her that I was going to come, so I came as she thrusted in the next time - I came hard, and very long, and it seemed as though my energy was utterly depleted. She gently turned me around so that I was laying on my back and I could finally see her face - she looked amused, and tired, and excited - all at once.

"You're back," I whispered to her, fatigue creeping its way through my body.

She leaned down and kissed me lightly and rubbed her nose against my own for a moment before pulling back. I watched those lovely blue eyes stare intently at me.

"Were you masturbating before you fell asleep?" she asked me.

I felt embarrassed, suddenly - and I looked away from her as I turned my head and nodded. She laughed and cupped my cheeks, turning my head so I could look back at her.

"That's hot, you're hot," she told me. She kissed me lightly again and got off of me. I saw her suitcase standing there idly by the bedroom door, and then she dragged it in and kicked it to the corner near her closet and then grabbed a change of clothes and went into the bathroom.

Though I wanted to feel her myself, I guess I fell asleep once more, because the next time I awoke, I felt her front pressed against my back again. We were on our side this time, and she was spooning me very pleasantly. I felt her skin against my own - a contact I've so desperately missed for the past week. Her bare chest was pressed against my back, her arm was thrown over my upper body, and I could feel her legs entangled with my own. Blonde hair was sprawled on my face and under my nose and I took in her scent. I felt her lips pressed against my neck - and the light snore that accompanied those parted lips.

Though trapped in her embrace, I managed to break my way out of it and turn around so that she was now facing me. She murmured and groaned under her breath, but the movement hadn't awoken her. Watching her like this, I felt my heart racing. I brushed blonde curls from her face and watched as she slept pleasantly - she looked so calm and peaceful. Then her arms suddenly pulled me into her again and I felt her chin rest on my head, as my face was pulled to her neck. I took in the scent that was decidedly Arizona's and placed soft kisses on the neck before me.

I heard her murmur slightly and felt my heart drum against my chest. And I couldn't help but ask myself what that feeling was. A feeling tugging at my heart as she held me close, inhaling her scent - just laying next to her.

I didn't get a chance to feel this when she'd suddenly pressed me against the bed and slipped her fingers into me. I didn't get to feel it when she came out of the bathroom only to find me sleeping. But now I felt it. She was here again. She existed here again and not just in my dreams. She was present, in front of me, breathing delicately, snoring lightly, holding me against her.

I liked this feeling, but I don't know what it was. It was pleasant, but it started to plague me.

But I didn't want to think about it right now because she murmured under her breath again and hugged me closer to her.

 


	17. Chapter 17

When I was a kid, I loved biking. When I was sad, or frustrated, happy, bored, or angry - any emotion that got the best of me, really - I'd set my bike out and just ride away. I'd ride far into the streets, far from anything and anyone. I'd ride until I felt my legs weaken, until my knees became jelly.

And it'd always be a problem, because I'd be so far away from home when fatigue hit me hard. Then I'd push myself, attempting to replenish strength in my jellied legs and ride all the way back home.

The last time I rode a bike, I rode for hours (about 9, I think) - with breaks, of course. But I'd been so far (I must have ridden to the bordering state), and then I had to bike home. It was scary heading back in the night, and by the time I got home, it was the next day. My parents yelled so much, they decided to throw away my bike and I've never been biking since.

But Meredith had a bike. She used to ride it occasionally as a teenager, but now it's of no use to her.

So I replaced the chain and dusted it off a bit and decided to bike away all the frustration that had taken over my mind. On the first day, I hadn't biked that far. I hadn't brought my phone with me, so it wasn't a big deal. But on the second day, I rode very far - pushing my limits, reducing my legs to jellied limbs until I finally grew tired and lingered at a rest stop. I'd brought my phone and looked at my messages. There were several from Arizona - asking where I was, telling me that she wanted to talk to me, asking me not to ignore her because she hadn't said anything that suggested otherwise. She called me a few times, too. But I ignored her.

On the third day, my shift was to begin earlier than planned. But I couldn't give my legs a rest. So I'd called and told them I'd be late and then biked again.

Pedaling back to Seattle, I fell into my own thoughts.

I left her sitting there. I watched her and saw her eyes grow wide and glossy - she was startled by my declaration of love and I just sat there and watched her.

It hadn't hit me then, what I had said. I just watched her. But then she looked down into her plate and sighed and then looked back up at me. And then she said "Lexie" very softly - very sadly. So I stood up and grabbed my bag and my shoes and left in a hurry.

I heard her say "Lexie, wait," but I chose not to. Rather, I chose to run down the hallway with my shoes and bag at hand and then I stumbled into the elevator and pressed it for the first floor of the apartment complex and put on my shoes and laced them frantically.

I called my sister, asking her to pick me up because I had just told Arizona I loved her and then ran away. Arizona hadn't come after me. We only sat in silence during the drive back to her house. I had off the next day, and I took another vacation day and decided to ride my worries away.

I remember when I had told Mark that I'd cook dinner for him. My world fell apart that night when he put me in the same situation twice. But now, I've done the same thing. I put myself in the same situation twice. I made dinner for someone I'd loved and then something slipped out and fucked up everything. And then I fled down a hallway and stumbled into an elevator with my head and heart pounding simultaneously.

I'd been so careful not to love Mark to the fullest that I invested in other people. I managed to accept everything in my own way, because he didn't pull at me anymore, he didn't watch me longingly from afar anymore and I didn't, either. I hadn't for a long time now.

But I did watch Arizona.

I'd been so careful to distract myself and now I had fallen in love with Arizona and it was all because I invested in her - I pursued her. She pulled at me and I went to her. And now I'm in love with her. She's not the type to invest in love. Not twice. Not after that. Not for me.

If she'd stayed and spoke to Callie, maybe they could have fixed things. Then maybe Mark and I could have fixed things, too. A long stretch, but totally possible, I'm sure. But it was no longer about that. A relapse is a momentary action that defines the rest of what we do afterwards. When one chooses to give in to the relapse, they face the subsequent circumstances that arise soon after. And then it's nothing but regret from then on.

Yet, my confession wasn't a relapse. It was a new tender feeling. And I still found myself regretting my words.

Because her reaction was not joy.

Upon returning to the hospital, I went in an on-call room during my break (one where we would frequent during our trysts) and laid on bunk bed, staring just up at the bottom of the top bunk. I was tired, my legs were still tired. Everything was tired. I'd always had horrible bouts of fatigue, but now I just wanted to shut my eyes and sleep for a long time. But something kept me awake. Maybe it was the ugly decaying wood that was on the bottom of the top bunk - it was chipped and old, and it seemed to be rotting even more.

There was a tiny piece of wood sticking out and as if drawn to it, my hand reached up to chip it with my fingernail. But then I heard her come in.

"Where the hell were you?" she asked.

I turned on my side and watched her as she stood there. She looked at me, her eyes wide with anger and maybe concern. I wasn't sure. I could never tell, I could never be certain.

"I took a few days off," I told her and she came next to me as I sat up on the bed. She sat down and took my hand and lightly kissed the back of it. My heart was racing again.

"You ran away," she murmured.

I didn't say anything, but only watched her.

"I wish you wouldn't run away from me," she said again, looking into my eyes. Her eyes were wide and glossy and it tempted me to leave. As if sensing that, she wrapped her fingers around my wrist and watched me closely.

"Tell me why you love me, because I don't really get it," she muttered, not letting my wrist go - keeping me on the bed with only her fingers clasped around my wrist.

I thought about it as I watched her, turning words over in my head, I looked at the ceiling and then I found myself ranting. It seemed as if biking had led me to the words I wanted to find.

"I love you because I have this weird conception of you without knowing anything at all... and regardless of anything my mind strings along with thoughts of you, just you. In your simple moments. And then you smile and it's like my heart melts. Sometimes you look so tired and fragile and maybe even strange to others but I absolutely love it," I heard myself saying, staring at the floor. Her grip seemed to loosen on my wrist as I continued.

It was as if my mind was on auto-pilot, all the words came pouring out.

"I just want to know more, more, more about you because you're so amazing and I want to know without breaking my way into you. But I get scared because you're always so hard to read. And I get scared because you always shut me up with your kisses or sex and then I realize that maybe I shouldn't be doing this anyway, because it doesn't really matter to you-" I continued, but she quickly cut me off.

"It does matter, Lexie. It matters a lot to me," she told me.

I looked up at her, my heart was racing - I could feel it beating, almost hear it and I wondered if she could too, but she just continued to look at me with her soft, bright blue eyes.

"It does?" I asked her.

"You have to give me time. Just give me time. I think I could love you, too."

I couldn't tell what I was feeling - whether this feeling was my heart soaring or dropping. She _thought_ she could love me too.

"Don't force yourself," I spat, and I stood up to leave, but then she gripped my wrist harder and pulled me down to her.

I stumbled onto her lap and I tried to pull my way out of her embrace, but she just held on tighter.

"Arizona, just-"

"Please don't go, Lexie," she pleaded, her voice in a tone I hadn't heard before.

"Please stay," she whispered into my ear, and I settled down, wrapped in her embrace.

I felt her heart racing against mine. A furious pace - she held me so tightly, it seemed that she thought I would slip away if her grip lightened.

"Arizona.."

"But you can't promise that you'll love me, can you?" I asked her, almost desperate, I think.

"No, I can't."

"Then-"

"But I care about you too much to let you go. And I care that you love me."

"Oh," I said. I felt almost defeated, as if fatigue took hold of my emotions and welted them.

She pushed me back gently on the bed and I thought she was just going to kiss me and have sex with me instead of talking to me, but she just wrapped her arms around me and buried her face into my neck. I could feel her breathing down my neck and I felt that sensation that made me feel so real.

"I don't know if I love you," she whispered against my neck.

"But I do know that I'm crazy about you."

"Okay," I said.

There isn't assurance in anything.

She had her arms around me, her gripping me tightly. I slid my arm over her back and ran my fingers through her hair as she breathed softly against my neck.

"Arizona?"

"Hmm?"

"I love you," I told her.

"I know."

I love her.

Even if she doesn't love me back.

 


	18. Chapter 18

Lexie doesn't come to me even when I ask her. Not as of late. She seems to keep her distance now, and my feelings aren't enough for her. Because they're never clear.

Even to myself, they are never clear. So I ask myself, what did I want with her?

I wanted sex, initially. I wanted to watch her want me, to have someone who wanted me when no one else had. I wanted someone to look at me the way she had that night - all of those nights. I wanted that, which is why I pulled at her.

And then I found myself wanting her. Wanting to feel her. I wanted to feel her smooth, silky skin against my own. I wanted to leave my marks on her so that she would come back to me when they were almost faded - so I could leave them again. I wanted her to come to me.

But she doesn't come now - even when I pull.

Had I also wanted someone to love me?

I love the way Lexie loves me, but is that love for me? Is that all right? Had we just picked up the pieces to each other's broken hearts? I thought it was just compensation. It must have been, at least initially. But then it became something else, and I wasn't sure what it was becoming - I wasn't sure where exactly we were headed.

I'm crazy about her. I am. You could ask me over and over, and I'd tell you the things I love about her. Whether it's her genuine joy, her expressive demeanor, her kindness... or whether it's the way she looks up at me when she wants me to touch her. But I often ponder - do I love her? For all that she is? She clearly loves me for all that I am. Isn't love just one or the other?

She was supposed to come over last night, but she never came. She texted me once - _I'm tired, I think I'll just go home._ \- and that was it. Even though I wanted to see her. _You could sleep, we don't have to do anything_ \- I'd texted back - she knew that, I was only clarifying so that she'd come to me, but she hadn't responded. And she just went home.

And so I laid down and fell asleep and dreamt of her glossy, dark brown eyes - those eyes I often see myself in. I am always reflected in her eyes because she just sees me in them. She sees me for who I am and nothing else. It isn't compensation for her. I wished I'd woken up to those honest, brown eyes. Instead, I woke up to a beeping pager, and so I rushed back to the hospital.

Driving to the hospital, I found myself wanting to spend time with her more than just inside of my apartment and the hospital - I found myself wanting to do many things with her. I wished she didn't run away from me, but she did.

I ended up beginning my day shift as the surgery ended. It was successful and I was glad that the parents of the child could rest at ease. Recuperation would take some time. As I was filling out the child's chart, I heard Lexie walk up to the Nurses' station with a number of residents.

"Skating, seriously?" I heard Meredith say.

"I think it's great," Lexie responded.

"Roller girl, you've become a super star with your skate shoes," I heard, feeling Cristina Yang's hand grip my shoulder.

"What?" I asked.

"Even the parents love it," Meredith told me, shifting her eyes from myself to Lexie.

Lexie watched me as she used to, with a timid demeanor. As I caught her eyes, she shifted her gaze down to her feet.

"Lexie," I said.

"Little Grey wants to roller blade, too," Yang said, rushing over to grab her shoulders.

"I don't! I just thought it was a perfect time to go skating," she protested.

"Ice skating is different from roller blading. And you couldn't skate to save your life, Lexie," Meredith told her before taking up a chart and walking away.

Cristina followed behind her and left Lexie standing there, looking at me.

"Lexie," I started to say.

"I'll see you later," she quickly told me, taking up another chart and following the two down the hallway. I watched her go. When she left, I browsed through the computer to look at skating rinks - all of which were located outside of Seattle. I groaned in frustration.

As the day came to a close, I went looking for Lexie. I found her with Grey and Yang and I immediately realized that she was sticking with them in order to avoid me. I entered the lounge.

"Lexie."

They only turned to me and Lexie watched me with wide eyes, surprised that I'd come in. I grabbed her wrist and pulled her with me.

"Wait, wait," she protested.

"No, I'm not waiting."

"I have to get my bag," she said, pulling her hand away from mine.

"Oh," I said, dumbly.

She finally followed me out the lounge and down the hallway and into the elevator. As the doors closed and the elevator started to move, I hit the stop button and turned to her. It seemed she expected that and suddenly looked up at me. She leaned back against the wall as I planted my hands on either side of her.

"Stop running from me," I murmured.

"You do the same thing, Arizona. You do it all the time," she retorted, avoiding my eyes.

"I never-"

"You kick me out. You don't let me in. You run away with your feelings and I never know what you're thinking. I just perceive. I just see. But I never know," she continued.

She only ran because she didn't know who I was. She wanted to know more about me, but I always end up shutting her out. She didn't leave when I didn't want her to, but when it came to making a choice, she'd left. She'd run.

"I'll tell you then!" I yelled, tightening my grip on her shoulders. How could she not know? Though I've told her already.

"You drive me crazy! You do. I wasn't kidding when I said that. You drive me absolutely crazy, don't you know?" I exclaimed, pushing her against the wall.

She looked up at me with wide, eager eyes - absorbing the words I had to say to her.

"You're so sweet and kind and that comes first, before anything. I push you hard against the wall or on the floor or on the bed and make you come and the first thing you ask me is if _I'm_ okay. You worry about me all the time. I hide what I feel because you're so genuine and so upfront and I'm not sure what I have to say will ever be enough. It'll never add up to you!"

"It's not a competition, Arizona-"

"What I feel will never be good enough for you, Lexie. I already know that. But I want you, I always want you. I want to know what you're doing, what you're thinking, how you're feeling, if you're alright. And if you're not alright, then I want to make sure that you will be, but it's not enough to just feel it or say it, I have to show it and that's where I fall short,"

"You have shown it. You have. That's why I fell in love with you," she told me, calmly.

"I-"

"Arizona, you don't have to prove why I shouldn't love you. It's too late. It's too late to try and be an asshole and make me run off for good. Is that what you're trying to do?"

"No, I'm trying to show you-"

"That you have flaws? I know that. I don't care."

I hadn't known what to say. What did I want to prove to her? She looked up at me with such self-possession and it made me tremble a little. Though my arms kept her trapped against the wall, she was the one that had trapped me with her words. She only looked at me with those dignified, serene eyes. I saw myself in those eyes.

I pushed my forehead against hers and felt as she lightly cupped my cheeks. I felt those fingertips lightly graze my cheeks and it made me want to feel her against me again.

"Okay," I murmured.

"Okay," she echoed.

I pulled my hands from the wall and instead placed them on top of the ones that were holding my cheeks. It was my way of locking her again - so that she wouldn't leave.

"Will you stop running from me?" I asked her, timidly. I felt very nervous - almost detached from her. I felt as though I hadn't seen her in such a long time.

"Okay," she told me, and I smiled and leaned in to kiss her but she pulled back slightly.

"You too, okay? Please don't run away from me," she asked me, quite warily. I knew what she meant - I blocked her off from most things. And she wanted me to know that, which is why she kept her distance. She was hesitant, though she said she loved me. Maybe she thought she was being overbearing. This sweet girl who loves me deserves the best. Maybe I could become that, for her.

"Can I kiss you?" I asked her, and she only looked back at me, surprised.

"Since when did you start asking? You don't have to ask-" she started to explain, but I cut her off because her lips became all too tempting for me. It was fun to startle her, I probably wouldn't have asked otherwise.

It wasn't a good thing, we'd had our conversation, but I didn't reactivate the elevator. I wanted to kiss Lexie, I wanted to feel Lexie and it had to be right now. I could easily drive us to my apartment, but it had to be now.

"Let me taste you," I whispered in her ear, and she let out a hot, sensual breath which I felt against my neck.

"Okay."

I kissed her again, languidly, slowly - just to feel her against me. I pushed her gently against the wall and ran my fingers through her beautiful brown hair. Breaking our kiss, I moved down to kiss her neck, sucking gently at her pulse point. I could smell that scent that was just Lexie.

I unbuttoned her jeans and slid them down. Getting on my knees, I gently pulled her panties down, and she placed her hands on my shoulders. I looked up at her and watched her watch me with half-opened eyes - ones which were glossy and dark and full of want - those eyes I saw myself in.

I dipped my mouth against her hot mound, licking her languidly, just to taste her. She let out a sensual gasp and I traced her slit with my tongue, parting her lips to dip inside of her and then moving back up to her clit to lazily trace patterns around it - my name.

"I'm gonna fall," she breathed out in a quick exhale. She gripped my hair harder as I steadied my hands around her legs.

"You're not gonna fall, Lexie. I've got you," I explained, but her legs only trembled more and I really thought she would fall this time.

"God, your breath is so hot," she whispered, sending jolts down my spine. I shifted my position and pushed my face into her and she leaned back against the elevator wall, trying not to slide down. I slipped my tongue into her hot entrance and she moaned loudly as I delved deep inside of her.

I couldn't get enough of this taste - I couldn't get enough of her. It was all Lexie. This girl that loved me shook for me, her legs were trembling incessantly as my tongue stroked inside of her, exploring her.

"Ari..zona," she whispered, tightening her grip on me.

She didn't have to tell me that she was going to come, because I felt it against my tongue and I felt that I would come too. Her legs shook as she came, and I licked her until her orgasm had subsided. I felt her weight against me and I pulled up her panties and jeans and fastened them neatly before kissing her lightly on the lips.

"Let's go," I told her.

She nodded and then kissed me again before I reactivated the elevator.

She sat in the passenger seat of my car, idly watching the scenery of the night slip by her.

"Where are we going?" she asked me, realizing that I'd long ago passed my apartment.

"A little outside of Seattle, I want to show you something," I told her. She watched me for a minute, then turning her head back to the window.

"An outdoor skating rink?" she asked me, as I parked the car in the vacant lot just outside the rink.

"You said you wanted to skate, right?" I asked her. She followed me out of the car and clung to my arm, almost hesitant to proceed.

"I-it was just a thought! I can't skate, Arizona. And it looks closed, anyway. Are we breaking in? Come on!" she protested, and I had to laugh, because she seemed to bewildered.

"I rented it this afternoon. I used to skate here a while back, so they know me. And I can teach you, Lexie. It's not hard," I told her, taking her hand in mine and pulling her towards the rink.

I nodded at the employee who greeted us, giving us two pairs of skates. We sat down and I quickly put mine on, then watching Lexie, who only watched her skates.

"You don't know how to put them on?" I asked her.

"No."

I pulled her foot onto my lap and started to unlace her shoes.

"Damn it, Lexie. Will you buy new shoes already?"

"You said we'd go after I recovered. But then you went to Africa, so I just forgot about it. I really like my shoes, you know," she grumbled, as I flung them off and replaced them with the skates. I fastened them tightly and stood up.

Lexie stood up, but started to flail her arms immediately and clung against my arm with a tightening grip.

"Just balance yourself," I told her.

"I can't!"

"We're not even on the ice yet, Lexie."

"I-I don't want to do this!" she exclaimed, as I led her to the rink.

"Come on, hold my hands."

"Arizona!" she whined, holding my hands tightly.

I pulled her on the rink and she seemed terrified, but managed to glide decently with my help.

"You're so good at this," she murmured, staring at the floor.

I attempted to instruct her on how she should move her feet, but she only repeated the same actions, frantic about falling.

"Everyone should fall, you know. It's a part of the learning process," I told her.

"No, no!" she exclaimed, and upon doing that, she fell back and pulled me down with her. She fell hard on her bottom and I fell on my knees.

"Ow!" I exclaimed.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry!"

We sat there for a moment and I looked at her as she watched me with wide, frightened eyes. Then, she laughed delightfully and I had laughed right back at her, but then I remembered that this girl loved me. And then I wanted to kiss her.

I leaned into her and kissed her lightly, pushing the hair back from her face.

And then, all the mess in my head went away.

Because when I kiss Lexie, everything feels right.

 


	19. Chapter 19

I hadn't told her anything. Even though I promised I would. Even though she had told me that she loved me. And that maybe I could try too.

"But what a time, you would have been Head of Pediatrics in just a few weeks," he told me, stacking some files on his desk.

"I'm sorry, I-"

"Don't worry. We'll always have a spot open for you, Robbins."

"Thank you, Chief," I told him, nodding gratefully before exiting his office.

I walked down the hall in silence, contemplating on what I would tell her. If I could tell her. She wasn't my girlfriend. She was a girl that loved me. I was glad for that.

But how could she love me now?

I headed to the cafeteria and ordered a salad for lunch and sat down at a table. What could I tell her? We were moving through the motions slowly and just fine. She'd been so happy lately.

We'd been going on dates and she'd told me she loved me and she practically lived with me, yet I couldn't call her my girlfriend. Because of this. Because of Africa.

"You're staring at your food, what's wrong?" I heard her say, and she took a seat in front of me, placing a tray of fries and chicken on the table. What could I tell her?

"That's unhealthy," I said, looking at her as she sat back down.

"You eat Chinese food every night when I'm not over, who's the unhealthy one?" she asked, sticking a fry into her mouth.

I chuckled and recalled the times she'd made me healthy pastas and foods, all the while discarding the old Chinese take-out I had stacked up in my fridge. I protested, but then she'd take a spoonful of whatever she'd been cooking and feed it to me and then I'd shut up. Only, I'd kiss her right after and wrap my arms around her.

It was homely. She managed to make that dry, domestic setting into a happy one. She wasn't my girlfriend, but in those moments, she felt like a wife.

"Arizona?" she asked.

"Hmm?"

"Are you okay? You're out of it," she told me, worrying as always.

"I'm fine," I smiled.

So we discussed simple things - patients, books, movies, people. I couldn't tell her. It went on like this for a few days, though I'd told them I'd be moving at the end of the week.

I started to pack boxes, around the hospital, in my apartment - I'd stick the smaller ones under my bed and leave the others in a corner in my apartment. She'd ask me what they were and I'd only tell her stuff that I meant to unpack later. It wasn't exactly lying. I'd be unpacking them. Just not here.

The day before I had to leave, we both sat curled up on my couch - idly watching a boring movie (I wasn't sure of the title, my mind was occupied). I had my arm wrapped around her as she stared attentively at the television screen.

I thought back to our conversation that night at the bar.

_"I hope you can get your job in Africa back. If it'll make you happier than you are now," she'd told me._

_"Maybe. I have no reason to be here anymore."_

_"Maybe you can find one."_

I wonder if she'd forgotten. I'd forgotten, for a long time. And then I received that email and remembered. What could make me happy?

"I want to give you my apartment," I told her, running my fingers through her soft, brown hair. She paused momentarily and looked up at me in surprise.

"What? Why?" she asked in confusion. She looked utterly surprised and it made me want to kiss her. I loved her baffled expressions, but I only felt my heart sink as she looked at me with those curious wide eyes.

I think my expression changed, it must have, because she looked frantic for a moment. Then, a new thought ran through her head - some kind of self-reassurance, I'm sure.

"Are you asking me to move in with you?" she asked, hesitantly. Usually one would have a much more delighted expression on their face at this point, but she only looked worried about what I had to say next. So I had to tell her.

"I got my job back. In Africa."

Because she thought things had changed.

She only looked up at me - and for once, I couldn't read her expression. She absorbed my words as I continued.

"Those boxes are what I'm taking with me. I have some in the hospital, too. I'll be moving them tomorrow. I leave tomorrow night," I explained, looking at her.

She quickly sat up and brushed her hair back.

"O-oh."

"Lexie-"

"Okay."

"Lexie, just-"

"I get it."

Maybe she was recollecting. Because she'd recalled that conversation, as well.

"It's okay, Arizona. I guess-I guess you just never found a reason to stay," she told me, not looking me in the eyes. I thought she'd never look me in the eyes again, as she turned to leave.

"Lexie," I called to her.

"I'll take it. Your apartment, I mean. I just want to go home tonight. I'll see you tomorrow. I'll bring some stuff and sign everything before you leave," she told me, and shut the door behind her before I could say anything else.

I wanted to stop her. More than anything, I must have thought, because the tremors in my heart were incredibly painful.

I didn't want to love, but I didn't want to lose her, either.

I laid there on my bed and thought about the past year - the motions with Lexie, the way she'd made me feel. I couldn't sleep a wink and it was morning before I knew it. I heard a light knocking on my door and saw Lexie standing there.

I brought her the papers and she told me she'd move in stuff later - when I'm gone. She hadn't looked me in the eye, not once. When I reached out to touch her, she pulled away so quickly, my heart dropped.

She left to go to the hospital and I realized then that I'd ruined something amazing.

I always ruin things.

I stood at the Nurses' station now, signing necessary documents and bidding my farewells. Karev was so upset, he hadn't even come to see me.

"You're going back," I heard behind me.

I turned to look at her - she'd lost most of her baby weight now, and she'd been growing her hair out. The ring on her finger had glistened for a moment. I hadn't noticed how much her appearance had changed until now. Everything just tuned out. A relatively new mother, a newlywed - she was changed.

I was the same. Unchanging as ever. Still ruining things, people, myself.

"I am."

"Lexie looks miserable," she told me.

"I know."

Why was she here, telling me this? I hadn't expected it. I hadn't expected Callie to come and see me upon hearing that I was leaving again. Perhaps she was grateful that I'd made sure Sofia was fine.

"What's wrong with you, Arizona?" she suddenly asked.

"What?"

"Why can't you ever let yourself be happy?"

I didn't know what to say, I was baffled - dumbfounded. She just watched me and continued.

"I watched you for a long time after you left. I still watched you after I found out about you two. I really, honestly thought it was revenge. But then I looked at you and her and I realized that maybe you were happy. You seemed happy. Different, but happy. And I was hurt. I think some part of me will always be, just for the way we ended up. I thought she was changing you, Arizona," she said, her eyes sad - sad for me.

"You should really let yourself be happy for once, Arizona. Fight for it this time. You didn't fight for us, but you seemed to be fighting for Lexie. I thought you were happy. But I guess you'll find that in Africa now, huh?" she told me. She didn't bid me farewell, she simply walked away from me and I watched the vacant spot on the floor where she'd previously been standing.

I didn't want a farewell party this time. I think everyone expected it. I stood in front of my apartment complex, waiting for the cab to come.

Lexie hadn't shown up again. Of course she wouldn't.

I thought about her at the airport.

But obligation held me fast.

I didn't want to love, but I didn't want to lose her. It was just something to do while I was still here. Someone to keep me occupied.

I stood now, ready to board.

I felt Lexie tugging at my heart, incessant tugs.

I thought back to what Callie had said. I am letting myself be happy. Getting this job back was what I'd intended to do - what I had wanted for so long. And I finally have it.

I always put my career first. And I always will.

And when you go far away, you find out that there are things more meaningful than love affairs, sometimes.

I was thinking about Lexie. Sad that I'd hurt her.

I'm sure she'd hate me for it in the long run.

Still, I was obligated to go. I was.

"Enjoy your flight, ma'am."

"Thank you."

There was nothing left for me here.

 


	20. Chapter 20

I'll feel better when the winter is gone.

Because it was last winter that we'd begun our artificial romance - it was last winter that I'd started to want more than just what I'd seen in front of me. I don't know when I fell in love with her - the winter only reminds me of her.

That's why I know I'll feel better when the winter is gone.

Arizona left last night. She left and I didn't even go to see her. She had told me so quickly - as if it were nothing. Like we were nothing. We'd meant nothing. But there was always Africa there. She'd been going back even when we were "together" - she'd always been obligated to them. Not me. Only them. Of course she'd leave.

Maybe I shouldn't have told her that I loved her. Then she wouldn't have left. She never said it back, though she treated me like a girlfriend. But who am I to assume such things? I guess we never confirmed anything, anyway. So what did it matter? There was nothing conclusive about us. It was just compensation.

She couldn't come back twice. I knew that, everyone did. Arizona, especially. She worked so hard to gain her merit back, to go back to Africa and show them her worth - that she'd be granted permancy. She'd finally made it, she'd finally gotten her job back. There was nothing stopping that. Maybe Callie had stopped it before, but I guess nothing was worth more than Callie after all.

I thought about it, it was true. She inspired me to be something different, at least. For myself. Pursue your passion, right?

I'd never been that career oriented, and I guess I made the mistake of falling in love with someone who was. In the end, she couldn't figure anything out.

I walked back to my apartment, watching the snow gently falling on the empty streets, sticking to the pavement as if they were meant to be. I couldn't help but draw silly romantic parallels to inanimate objects, because my heart seemed to be filled with Arizona.

There wasn't any snow where she was at, though. I knew that. We'd be looking at the same sky, but it wouldn't really ever be the same because I loved her. She was on a plane now, somewhere over one of the seven oceans, high in the sky.

I shouldn't have walked home. The snow had soaked through my canvas sneakers and my feet were freezing. I couldn't even wiggle my toes due to the narrowness of the shoes. I needed new shoes. I should buy some.

I stared at the floor the entire walk, kicking the snow with my rugged, old shoes, not wanting to take in the beautiful scenic image of the snow falling in front of me. It was too romantic and made me want to cry. I was cold enough, and if I started crying, I'm sure my tears would freeze.

As I walked down the block, I noticed her sitting there on the steps leading to the apartment. She was hugging herself, clearly shivering. There was snow on her light blonde hair, decorating it beautifully. Some of the strands were damp, for the snow had melted.

She was shivering, her hands rubbing at her arms to keep herself warm. I could see her wearing that same flimsy coat from last year. She stared at the ground below her feet and I could see her jaw move in a rhythmic motion - her teeth were chattering.

"Arizona?" I asked. It was her. Or I was dreaming. I was probably dreaming.

Her head shot up and her eyes widened in surprise. Her teeth stopped chattering and she looked at me with those wide, blue eyes.

"What-" I started to say.

"It's you," she told me.

"Me?"

"You. You gave me a reason to stay. I couldn't get on that plane and leave you forever. It's you, Lexie. You're the reason. I can't get you out of my head," she said.

"I-" I started to say. My heart was pounding, I could barely speak. I didn't even know what to say.

"You just!" she said, standing up and jumping down the stairs, only to slide on the snow and fall on her bottom.

"Arizona! Are you okay?" I asked, crouching over to see if she'd gotten hurt.

She looked up at me and caught my gaze. She grabbed at my shoulders and pulled me onto her lap.

"God, Lexie. I love you," she whispered, looking straight into my eyes.

It felt as though my heart stopped beating. I couldn't breathe.

"I'm an idiot. I had to get on a plane and then rush out of it to realize that I was fucking up something amazing. I think I loved you the moment I told your sister I wasn't messing around. I think I loved you even before then. I think I've loved you all this time. But I've always had my head in my ass because we started so strangely and-" she started to ramble, but my heart was pounding so hard, I had to ask again.

"You love me?" I whispered, looking into her brilliant blue eyes.

She watched me for a moment and laughed.

"I love you," she said. She smiled, clearly embarrassed. She laughed again, and took one hand off of my shoulder to brush her hair back. She kept watching me as I stared back at her, dumbfounded at her confession.

"You.. love me.." I murmured, watching her. I felt that I was dreaming.

"I love you.." she said, cupping my face. She pressed her forehead against mine and closed her eyes and smiled.

"I love you, but my ass is freezing and you're freezing, so can we go inside?" she asked, opening her eyes now. I seemed to be stuck in a trance.

"Yeah.. let's.. go inside," I murmured in a daze. I stood up and held onto her hands and pulled her up. Then I wrapped my arms around her and buried my face in her the crook of her neck.

"Your nose is cold," she told me, wrapping her arms around me too.

"You love me," I laughed.

And then she laughed too, it was so genuine and so happy and it made my heart thump harder.

It wasn't compensation after all. Because she came back for me.

"I love you, Lexie."

 


	21. Chapter 21

If you'd like to read it in chronological order, the chapters are as follows:

4, 5, 2, 7, 9, 1, 10, 12, 11, 13, 6, 8, 3, 14, 16, 15, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21  
\-----

When I admitted it, I said it all the time. Every moment that seemed appropriate. I made sure to. I had to.

"I love you."

I was sure I hadn't said it enough. I was sure I had to keep saying it as if to compensate for the moments of silence, the moments in which I had said nothing at all.

The moments that I kept her waiting and waiting. The moments of silence in which the only sound that was heard was her staggering, faltered breath.

The moments I looked into her glossy, brown eyes and saw myself in them.

"I love you, Lexie," I said, "I love you."

She smiled at me now, a small, defeated smile that made my heart ache. It made my own breath falter.

"Please."

"Arizona…"

"Please…."

"Arizona."

She coughed, it was hard to see her. I felt a stinging – my leg had hurt. I dragged myself to her…. dragged myself. It was almost holistically ironic.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I'm sorry."

She blinked for a moment and my heart leapt.

Every time she blinked, I had the thought that she would close her eyes and never open them again.

"…For what?" she asked me.

We fought. About something. Something about commitment, something about the future. I didn't remember then, and I don't remember now.

She sat in the back of the plane because we fought. She sat in the back and not next to me and now she was lying here in front of me, trapped under the plane.

Crushed under the plane.

She coughed again and blood stained her lips this time and my eyes began to sting with tears.

Her eyes seemed hollow and I saw my reflection in them.

"I love you."

"Sorry… for," she gasped out, "...loving me?"

"No," I corrected. "No."

I was upset. I had been.

"You… have… no reason to be… sorry," she said slowly, between deep breaths.

"Lexie," I said. Begged, I think. I begged.

"I'd marry you," she said quickly, in an exhale. "I'd marry you," she continued, now in short, slow breaths, "I'm sorry… for being… so.."

"Lexie, stop…"

"So hesitant."

"It's okay," I said. "It's okay, it's okay, I don't care."

She let out another trembling breath and watched me with her bloodied lips and hollow eyes.

"Stay with me," I pleaded. "That's all I need."

Yet I knew by her light, broken laugh that she wouldn't. She could not give me anything anymore.

"I love you, Arizona," she confessed with surprising control of her voice, "I love you."

"Lexie," I said, clutching at her hand, trying to cradle her face with my own dirty hands. "Lexie, Lexie," I rambled. I couldn't stop saying her name. She closed her eyes. I think her breathing stopped.

I was sure it did, she wasn't smiling anymore.

Her breath stopped but mine kept going on. I kept saying her name with every single breath I had. It was desperate, I couldn't breathe – I couldn't inhale.

Every exhale was just her name.

Lexie, Lexie.

And then she wrapped her arms around my waist and roused me from the nightmare I seemed to be trapped in.

"Lexie," I whispered frantically, "Lexie."

I sat up on the bed and she sat up on her knees, leaning over to me – cradling my face with her soft, silken hands like I tried to do with my own to hers. A bad dream, she must have thought, she seemed understanding, though a little bewildered – and her eyes gleamed in the dark, but it was her. Her eyes. And they weren't hollow.

Rather, they were incredibly alive.

I kept saying her name with every exhale. She cradled my face harder and then I wrapped my arms around her body and pulled her close to me, burying my face into her neck.

This smell, this was Lexie.

I thought about asking her. I hadn't yet.

Commitment? It was something I wanted.

That dream must have scared me out of it, because the thought of losing her was more than I could bear. She held me for a long time – I'm sure the position was uncomfortable for her, but she kept her grip and rubbed my back and told me it was okay. Only a dream, though she hadn't an idea of what I dreamt about.

"Lexie," I murmured softly against her neck.

"Hmm?" she asked. "I'm here," she said.

"I love you."

"I love you too, Arizona."

"Will you marry me someday?"

I expected her to flinch, to stiffen – but she felt the same against me. Maybe even warmer, maybe even closer.

"Yes," she said.

 


End file.
